Pants.

Sometimes life is hard. Here is a chicken wearing pants.

~sarah p.

Even Badder Portraits: A Series of Terrible Depiction

I was reading an article in Freq Magazine, an insert of BeatRoute, about a local gal that has been drawing portraits of just about anyone and everyone. Locals, celebrities, everybody.
Her website is called 'Bad Portraits', but she must be talking about the Michael Jackson-type of bad, because they are actually amazingly likable and well-drawn.

This got me thinking. I am the world's most horrible drawer. My portraits are particularly deplorable. Small children make fun of my drawing skills. The heads are comically large or small, and the limbs are always of several different sizes, colors, or shapes. Most of the time you can't tell what I have drawn in the first place. 

You guys want truly bad portraits? You got 'em.

Without further ado, I present to you the first hand-drawn sketches in an installment I call "Even Badder Portraits: A Series of Terrible Depiction":

~sarah p.

Wall Of Shame.

Our basement is a horrible place. We keep our scale and chest freezer down there, and as well, I'm pretty sure it might have been a human slaughterhouse at one point. Our saddest furniture lives on it's bare cement floor, studded with old rusty pins that we get stuck in our feet despite weekly sweepings since we bought the joint in 2008. It is miserable, and cold, and full of bugs. It is devoid of any joy whatsoever, beyond THE BOX.

The box arrived years ago, from where I cannot remember. It sits in the corner of the basement, stuffed with old unlovables, and I'm all giggles every time I walk by. It's like a tiny wall of shame for prudish stone figurines. Every time I see the box, I can't help but to envision a tiny grey gnome calmly and gingerly explaining to their disappointed male partner why they aren't ready to "take the relationship to that level yet".

~sarah p.

You Asked, I Answered.

(answered from top to bottom)

*Horses like hay and an honest, open, caring relationship. 

Oh, hey, and don't be a dick- keep the corral clean, and oat bucket full.

*Yes, but don't let it overtake your wardrobe. You don't want to look too much like a zoo-keep or Bill Gates.

*Mine seems to like hanging out in a box, so for starters you should get yourself an empty box. Also, they like feathers and fake mice. It would be good if you have windows in your house, and maybe a cat post. Also, as a side note, you should name your cat something like 'Irving', or 'Tito', or 'Gwen'; it won't matter to the cat, but it will keep you entertained.

*As long as you're willing to risk it.

*People spend so much time worrying about staying true to themselves. Here's the secret to early adulthood success- lose your individuality for a bit. When everyone else turns their hat backward, just leave yours the way it is. Do up both straps on your overalls. Lose the unused plaid shirt tied around your waist. Years later, you'll look like less of a dick than everyone else in old group photos, and people will instantly think you are significantly more sophisticated than you actually are.

*Just make sure it's a dream, because otherwise- oh, boy.

* The freezer burnt flesh of a turkey can be kept in a chest freezer until that chest freezer dies quietly in the basement and nobody knows for a few months. Then you can't stop that turkey from coming out.

*It means you're disgusting.

*Until October 31st.

*AT&T does not make you turn in your old phone, but they do make you surrender your soul.

*Because one day you might have to run from the lord.

~sarah p.