9. He would always be trying to sabotage your birth control, and heaven forbid you try to have a pro-choice conversation with the guy.
8. His birthday always has to be a big ordeal. Like, crown-and-sash and free shots big deal, OR ELSE.
7. He'd always be showing up drunk to things, after a hard morning of turning water into wine.
6. He'd always be pulling the "daddy" card to get out of trouble.
5. He'd be super moody and judgey all the time, not to mention all the casual antisemitism.
4. His Christ-Mobile would always be trying to one-up he Pope-Mobile.
3. His Tinder profile would say he was multi-racial and multi-talented in many ways (wiiiiink), but on the actual date? Three hours of listening him talk about himself, followed by a clumsy make-out attempt, followed by three months of him threatening to go nail himself onto a cross if you don't call him back.
2. He'd have conversations at parties with anyone in earshot about how his DJ career of dubstep-remixing hymns was about to take off majorly.
1. He would get real bitchy when everyone just wanted to sleep in on a Sunday.
~sarah p.
