Autumn.

I've barely been near my shithole apartment in the past month. I've been up in a quiet residential neighbourhood, housesitting for my parents. This means that I've been hanging out in a backyard, where they have trees and plants and no used condoms or smashed bottles of Colt 45! I know, totally unreal.

Anyway, I was out on the back deck last night, and I looked over at a rosehip bush in the corner of the yard. It's droopy branches were tinging bright hues of red and yellow and orange... There was no denying it, summer is finally over.

"Fuck you, rosehip bush", I yelled out, "I'm not ready for autumn". However, when I woke up this morning, the leaves had not turned back to green. Hmm. I guess I have no choice in the matter: fall is here whether I like it or not.

I try to embrace the changing of the seasons every year, but the truth is, the only time I'm okay with it is when it's getting hotter out.

Part of the reason why I'm not a fan of cold weather is that I hate coats with my whole heart. Correct me if I'm wrong, but coats are the least flattering piece of clothing that anyone can wear (this includes palazzo pants and those fake-tattoo shirts). You know, maybe I shouldn't be talking about "flattering clothing", as I've got the precise body-type that should probably be covered up with several coats at all times, but the truth is, a coat can put a damper on the most amazing outfits pretty quickly. Have you guys ever been somewhere where the people don't have to wear coats because it's hot all the time? Those people always seem a lot happier, as they never have to search through all of their coat pockets to find their chapstick, or never have tried to match formal-wear with a jacket (not an easy task).

It is fun to find money in the pockets of an old coat, but I still think it'd be way more fun to find money in the pocket of some cutoffs instead.

I've also grown more and more confused by Halloween. I'm not the not the type of gal who spends all of her time talking about equality and double standards, but the ladies clearly get screwed-over on this holiday. The fellas are allowed to wear whatever they want, no matter how gross or retarded the costume is, and everyone will applaud them for doing it. Girls are allowed to wear whatever they want, so long as they look outrageously hot while doing it, or people will whisper about how much "courage that must've taken to walk out of the house looking like that".

You know what is kind-of okay about Autumn? Shaking a tree on somebody so that they get leaves down their shirt and in their hair. That joke will never, ever get old. Also, there's a ton of good food floating around (except for candy corn. Sick.), and the new TV season starts, which means that there are several new ways to lower my IQ on a daily basis (awesome).

I can't change how the seasons progress, I accept that. All I'm saying is, if we could get the entire country to jump up and down at the same time, we may be able to shift the earth's axis just enough to never have to deal with this shit again, and then we can find money in our cutoffs pockets all year round! Think about it and get back to me, okay?

~sarah p.