Life in the slowest lane.: The Official Seaggie Guide to Summer Vacations

You may or may not believe this, but my family has had the same pet seagull since I was maybe nine or ten. His name is Seaggie, and we met him while throwing fries in the air on Crescent Hill, overlooking the city. For as long as I can remember, Seaggie has been a total alcoholic, with the occasional drug problem. In short, he's a major party-animal, and nowadays he really only shows up while we are on vacation. You know how most of the time, people go on vacation for a bit, then go back to their normal lives? I guess you could say that Seaggie is on permanent vacation. He's a total mess, but he's pretty fun to party with when you're off of home-turf.

It's not a surprise to see Seaggie at any vacation destination the family chooses. He's enjoyed frothy Guiness with us in Ireland, taken wild stoned train-rides through Holland with the fam, and has even kept it dirty in the South with me a couple of times.

I've been really busy this month, so I asked my good pal Seaggie to dictate some important vacation tips to you, my faithful reader (I had to type it out for him, his talons aren't very effective on a keyboard):

Vacation Tip #1: Vacations should be like a fine mixture of your birthday and happy hour. If you don't drink, it's time to start. Let's be honest: here is really no way you're going to relax fully if you don't get a little help from the insides of a bottle. More importantly, it's really crucial to realize that you are visiting somewhere where nobody knows who you are. You're never going to see these people again, so why not make the most of it? For example, have you ever wanted to be the duke of a small country that also has a fondness for polo (the horse-riding sport and the cologne) and has the world's largest collection of Precious Memories figurines? In a place where nobody knows any better, you can be whoever you want to be! Later in the night, while still in character, you can make out with somebody's wife and break onto the roof of the bar, and when you leave to go home for the evening, people will smile and shake their heads and think to themselves "That crazy foreigner...".

Vacation Tip #2: You should be spending your vacation time in the exact same way you would spend your time if you won the lotto. To put it plainly, you should be throwing your money around like an Appalachian Powerball winner. Go ahead, be an idiot with your credit card.... That's why the Visa gave you the card in the first place. Sure, you've got responsibilities back home, things like "rent" and "bills", but those things are miles and miles away. Your spending is only halted by your credit limit, so go on... Give that bum on the street a whole dollar, mega-size your soda at the movie theatre, and buy yourself the non-generic cigarettes for once. Do you want lobster for dinner every night? Of course you do. Do you want lobster for dinner every night, along with rare Asian massage-beef? Even better. How's about you enjoy the meal whilst getting a massage yourself? You see where this is going.

Vacation Tip #3: Do nothing and everything at the same time. When you get back from vacation, people are going to ask what you did. You should be able to shrug your shoulders and say: "mm, nothing". Then, you should break out into a million stories about how you saw your favorite college friend, and saw Mr Dress-up's trunk (for real), and went in the most hilarious vintage store, and hung out with your Dad and his old band-buddies in the tiniest town ever, and laid on the beach for hours, and saw all kinds of wacky folk-art, and watched massive vacuum cleaners suck the garbage off of Toronto's streets after the Pride Parade, and had the most fun at the museum, and saw the raddest sunsets every night. You know, the actual main point of vacations is to gather stories to tell later in life, like when you're drunkenly trying to get everyone's attention, or when you're eighty-four, and are at the bus stop with a bunch of strangers.

Here's some photos from this year's summer vacation to Ontario: