Tasting Notes From The Jones Soda Holiday Pack.

 Sugar Plum:
-Would be useful at luring children into a dingy van.
-Sickly sweet.
-Faintly purpley, with a hint of dollar-store grape. 

Candy Cane:
-I will be tasting this flavor in the back of my throat until the day I die.
-Awful and pungent.
-Shockingly offensive. Like Santa ass-cracked a peppermint stick.

Gingerbread:
-Spice and soda do not quite belong together.
-Terrible shade of brown, similar to the color of factories and dead grass.
-Festive! Also, kind of weird!

Pear Tree:
-Once, a saleslady told me I was "pear shaped". Bitch.
-Lots of pear, no tree. Good call, Jones.
-Though vomit-colored, the least likely in the whole pack to actually make me vomit.

~sarah p.

Dateline Exclusive.

I love when Chris Hansen shows up to the Dateline NBC set with a sunglasses tan. It's like a giant fuck you to all those people that think he's strictly "pedophiles and scams".

~sarah p.

"Cannon Land".

Fuck you Nick Cannon.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Fuck you and your custom Wonka candy room.
Fuck all of those in your life that benefit from said candy room.

It's not fair, Nick Cannon. You host a terrible TV show that takes up 80% of NBC's valuable airwaves, star in Drumline, and bang Mariah Carey, and you're the one that deserves a custom candy room?

Fuck you, Nick Cannon. You are truly the worst. 

~sarah p.

p.s. If I croak on the operating table tomorrow, and reincarnation is a real thing, then I hope I come back as an early 90's New Jack Swing video ho (as illustrated here and here).
Aside from my current life, I'm pretty sure it's the only way I'll be happy.