The Worst Of Urban Outfitters- Footwear Edition:

If aliens landed on my front lawn tomorrow, I would give them two handy pieces of advice prior to sending them off to explore. First, steer clear of that George Zimmerman dude. Secondly, get some shoes on your alien feet, and definitely don't bother trying to get them at Urban Outfitters. Not worth it. The following are some fine examples of UO footwear that you can buy right now on their site, or purchase in-person from underpaid, angry hipsters that ice-grill you while you over-pay for merchandise:

If you have ever thought that the bags that hippies carry their weed in would make great foot-coverings, than these babies can be all yours for just shy of $50.

If disgusting matted felt is more your speed, then say hello to this puke-green number.

It's as if somebody had a pretty great idea for a shoe, then reversed every single one of those ideas. A wedge heel? Okay, great. Let's make it so narrow that falling over isn't optional. A zip top? Who needs one when you can have a western-style 80's elastic top closure instead. And who needs toes on a boot?

Are you concerned that you may forget to wear tube socks with your stilettos? UO's got you covered by attaching the two.

'Funky Aging Cowboy Lesbian' is not a look that is for everyone, but just in case, UO's got your back in a big way. 

And, for those of us who would rather our boots don't have backs on them, here's your answer. So long, foot prisons.

~sarah p.

p.s. Worst Of Urban Outfitters Part 2- coming next week.
p.p.s. Please don't sue me, Urban Outfitters.