Deep, Dark Secrets: I Hate Magic.

I guess it's something about the glint in their eye after they pull off a particularly impressive trick. That "didn't I blow your mind" glimmer that's thrown into your face with every slight of hand, despite no affiliation with the Delphonics, or even the New Kids On The Fucking Block. Nope. To me, magicians are creepy dudes that spend all their time trying to shove the idea of the unseen down your throat at every turn. 

I can recall going to a birthday party as a child, where your run-of-the-mill birthday party magician pulled coins out of ears and fake rabbits out of fake hats. Children around me gasped in awe, but I was too busy trying to figure out which sleeve held that line of tied-up scarves that he was going to pretend to pull out of some orifice later. I knew it wasn't real, and to be honest, I was a little pissed that he was trying to pull our collective legs. Also, I'm kind-of convinced that all children's entertainers are less "smoke and mirrors", and more "toke and beers", if you get my drift. Like, none of them can be trusted. None of them. Not Sharon, Lois, or Bram.

Okay, okay. I hear what you're saying; when's the last time you were able to bend a spoon with your mind, or find someone's card in a deck, Parsons? Like, obviously never. However, every fucking year when David Blaine locks himself into a box and people act like they're surprised he gets out, I lose less and less respect for a profession that relies heavily on glitter and white tigers. Next time a magician looks you in the eye as he makes that coin disappear, give him a look that says "Not today, magic boy. Not today.", and if you're ever asked to volunteer to help with one of the tricks, you get on your feet and you run like hell.

~sarah p.

p.s. The NKOTB version of "Didn't I Blow Your Mind" always threw me off, because you can't tell me that Jonathan Knight or Joey McIntyre were blowing anyone's minds when that shit was recorded.