Questions For My New iPhone:

1. Why can't Siri understand a damn thing I say? I always thought I sounded like a regular human when I spoke, albeit a little whiny and lispy, but now I am sure I must be speaking my own version of English that even a tiny super-computer can't understand.

2. Why do I have more spelling and grammar mistakes now that I ever did, pre-auto-correct? Are my fingers just too fucking fat for today's technology?

3. Is this Tinder thing a good idea? Actually, let me answer my own question here. No. It's not.

4. Why does my phone only recognize that my finger is directly fucking on it asking it to do something about half the time, and never when I need it to move quickly, like when I saw a couple of Furries making out in the airport, and needed to take a photo?

5. Initially I thought an iPhone would be a good idea, because it would replace my phone, camera, and iPod. Now that I have realized that the iPhone is still probably bigger and heavier than an amalgamation of the three, how insanely furious should I be with myself for not doing the calculations pre-sale?

6. Can you download porn onto an iPhone? Asking for a friend.

7. Why am I paying over double what I was pre-smart-phone, just so I can avoid the whole thing like the plague? I have taken to telling people to "just call me on my land-line". Also, it is of note that it is 2014, and I still have a land line.

8. After wrapping this thing in a million cases (it may as well have it's own life jacket and seat belt), why am I still so positive that it is going to smash into a million bits anyway? It's better protected than a human child, or at least, one with sane parents.

9. If I already knew that I wasn't going to like the whole process of upgrading my phone, why did I not only upgrade, but also lock in to a daunting two-year contract? The salesman wasn't even very handsome.

10. How do you people function at all with the world at your fingertips 24 hours a day?

This post was NOT sent from my iPhone, obviously.

~sarah p.