Prison Wine Tasting.

You wouldn't know it by looking at me, or speaking to me, or knowing me in general, but I actually have some decent wine knowledge. After spending almost 2 years among the city's finest bottles, I know my grape varieties, my vintages, and I certainly know how to properly taste a glass.
I was going to just taste the prison wine by myself, but I'm pretty sure that's called 'being an alcoholic'. So, I asked a few pals to help. We all filed out to the wood-paneled garage with a strainer, some coffee filters (yeah, I know they don't have strainers and coffee filters in prison, but let's assume I gave someone in the kitchen a very enthusiastic handjob), and bowls. Man, it was an adventure and a half.

I had been keeping the garbage bag in a box for two whole weeks.

Look familiar?

This was after the first straining. There was still a bunch of schmultz and crap floating around.

Crystal brought me coffee filters for straining! At this point, I was thinking "This may not be so bad afterall..."

The word 'nose' is used to refer to the wine's distinct aroma. People often use descriptive words that include flowers, fruits, and woods. The prison wine's nose is 'dude that sleeps infront of the liquor store'.

We filtered the wine pretty well to get it ready for consumption. We had no idea what we were about to experience.

Mmmm... Made me feel a bit prison-y, like I wanted to stab a bitch.

Sweet baby jesus in a manger, that's horrible. A wine's 'note' is the distinct flavors that one can taste while sampling. This wine's notes were mould, juice, yeast, and ass. Time to pass it off to the jury:

Don't worry, Crystal, it's not so bad....

Sike. It's actually awful.

Derek was nice enough to admit that you actually could taste the booze. As bad as it was, if you were in prison, and had to deal with daily cafeteria lines and communal showers, it certainly could get you drunk.

Amy got brave and tasted some too.

She tried to be nice about it, she really did.


Okay, so my first attempt of prison wine was not an entire success. Perhaps I'll have another chance to try and make my own alcohol, when the IRS catches up with me. You think Martha Stewart stayed sober in prison? Nope. It's all about resources, friends.... Allll about resources.

~sarah p.

p.s. No idea what I'm talking about? Read the first two chapters:

An idea.
This is where dreams begin.