Thursday, November 13, 2008

Some Research.

Between my full-time job, my part-time job, and school work, I have sooo much free time. That was a joke, assholes.

I've got way too much going on, which means that I need to take a well-deserved break now and then. What better way to clear the slate of my mind than to do some good ol' fashioned pondering....
Have you ever wanted to discover the secrets of the universe?
Have you ever sat at home, brooding on the answers to how life began, or if there is other intelligent life within our galaxy? I rarely do. Instead, I contemplate the confusing number of people still walking around wearing these (yes, even you, Yasir Arafat), and answer the tough question of: "Where did all of the Wacky Wafers go?" (down my throat, obviously).

A few for-real mysteries solved over these think-sessions:

1) What happened to Ice Cube?

At one point, Ice Cube was the smoothest motherfucker on the planet. Dudes loved him because you could usually tell, by the third line in a song, that he had definitely shot a guy in the face before. The ladies loved him because he had the raw charm of Method Man, and the adorable squeezability of Biggie. With all of the respect, well-written movie roles, and album after album of perfect material, you'd think that nothing could bring him down.
Then one day, something happened..... All of a sudden,
Ice Cube was a different man. Instead of enjoying Seagram's with Mack 10, he was now sipping lattes with Coolio. Instead of keeping him far, far away from their children, mothers were rushing their kids to the theatres to see the new Ice Cube flick. Ooooh, dear.
Where, exactly, did it all go wrong?

Well, after some intense investigation, this is what I have discerned:
In the early hours of September 15, 1996, a dump truck drove onto Ice Cube's front lawn and honked the horn. He awoke from a d
eep slumber, dressed himself in his robe and slippers, and stumbled down the stairs. Outside, the truck was idling, and as Ice Cube approached, the back gate began to open. At first nothing fell out of the truck, but then, one by one, stacks of hundred-dollar-bills began falling all over the front lawn. Ice Cube's children ran out of the house and began frolicking in the money as if it were a fresh snowfall. Just as his wife stepped out the front door to see what was going on, Eric Stoltz stepped out of the cab of the truck with a contract in his hand. "Are we going to sign this?", Eric Stoltz said as he handed Ice Cube a pen, "Or do we pack up all of this cash and drive to Don Cheadle's house instead?". Seven months later, Anaconda was released.... The rest, as they say, is history (and luckily, T.I. was able to step in as the reigning 'King of Smoothness').

2) Pass The Dutchie- Who, what, howwwwwww??

My dad owned the full Musical Youth album, and this track was on heavy rotation at our house for years and years. Dad also smoked a lot of weed in th
e garage, and told us he was 'fixing things'. Until I did some research on this track, I had always just assumed that Musical Youth had formed in Jamaica, after a record exec had kidnapped a whole bunch of boys, gave them some weed, and forced them to join a band (I think this is also how Meneudo was formed, but instead of drugs, they gave the fellas tank-tops). Naturally, when you get a bunch of stoned eight-year-olds together, they're going to create some serious music, right? Right, guys? Guys?
Anyway, I decided to get the real story, and it had no
ne of the bravado of my version. Turns out that instead of being a group of street-urchin ragamuffins, Musical Youth were actually a bunch of British schoolchildren. "Pass the Dutchie", did not, in fact, involve any intoxicated kids, either. Although based on a song about smoking weed, the term 'Dutchie' actually refers to a Jamaican cooking pot, and the track was released as an outcry against world hunger.
.... It should be noted that these research sessions can be very, very disappointing at times (my original vision of Musical Youth's story was way more jazzed-up and interesting for sure).

3) Global warming: not so bad after all?

It's the middle of November, and we've barely seen a spot of snow. I've worn a sweater or a light jacket every day since September, and haven't even had to dream of trying to co-ordinate fashion with -25 degrees Celsius. Global warming? Bring it on.
I realize this opinion would make me rather unpopular with guys like Leonardo DiCaprio, but he's just pissy because his zillion-dollar mansion is probably right on the California coast, and he's worried about foundation damage if the polar ice caps melt. Over here in Alberta, aka- 'The Safety Zone', Gilbert Grape would have nothing to worry about but getting a fabulous, ozone-free tan (obtainable in minutes without layers and layers of stratosphere in the way).
Over here in the prairie provinces, we like to whine about not being able to enjoy a fine day at the seaside. The solution? Rip a massive hole in the atmosphere, and surf's up, Alberta.
Yes, I realize the long term ramifications of Global Warming. I'm well aware that the increase in temperatures signifies a 'beginning of the end'. That being said, can you imagine an Alberta winter without your eyelashes sticking together? How about a winter that begins in December, and finishes by March? You'll be nodding your head in agreement when your favorite outdoor pool opens it's doors on the first of May, as opposed to the first of July. I understand that we should be watching out for future generations, but how about we just all decide to be really selfish for once, dammit?

These are really just a few samples of my work. The following are a few mysteries left to solve:
-Janice Dickinson: not human (possible robot?).
-Sugar-Free Bubble Gum- why can't the bigwigs at the Trident factory get the flavor right?
-What ever happened to the clone-girls of Robert Plant's 'Addicted to Love' video... Do they still hang out together sometimes? (I hope so.)
-Why are good pants so hard to find?

Okay. Enough stalling, back to homework....

Your super-sleuth,

~sarah p.

p.s. If you want to waste even more time, this is the best fashion blog out there since went down.... It's extra cute because each photo has a little quote beside it that is translated from Finnish into English by someone that obviously doesn't speak English, so the figures of speech are really formal, and sometimes they use incorrect phrases like "jeans jacket" . I have a feeling I would really, really enjoy Helsinki.