Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Jams Of The Week: Runaway Edition

 ~sarah p.

Everybody Should Just Shut Up: A Very Short Essay

I've been thinking. I am a very firm believer in free speech, but I think now is the time that everyone should just shut up. The holidays are just around the corner, where idle chit-chat is at an all-time high and the sprinkling of wine and eggnog adds gusto to every ill-informed, loud-mouthed opinion in the world. It's time to take a step back and look at not causing waves around your grandpa's table on Christmas Eve for once. 

Mad about refugees coming into our country? That dead three-year-old is a horrible threat to national security, isn't he? Well, next time someone brings it up, why don't you try something new, and keep your damn mouth shut.

Are you pissed off because the Starbucks cups aren't the right color, of that the last time you said "Merry Christmas", someone shot you a smile and said "Happy Holidays" back instead? Jesus might be pissed. His followers might be pissed. I tell ya, that magical baby has made some powerful friends over the years. Here's the thing, though: nobody actually cares. People that do care need to keep themselves busier. Do everyone a favor, and don't bring it up at the next dinner party.

Frustrated with the current government? Worried about our economical position as a province? Then get off your ass and do something about it, all while keeping your pie-hole firmly closed. Do you care a whole lot about bikes or the environment, or are particularly passionate about non-GMO food or unions? Do you want kids, and not understand how anyone couldn't, or don't want kids and don't know how anyone could? You know what to do. Tape it closed if you must.

It's not that people are not entitled to their own opinions, it's just that opening sassy lips just to make a point is growing tiring. We are a culture of over-sharers and social media addicts. We've lost the fine art of whimsical conversation because we're all too busy throwing opinions at each other at breakneck speed. So this holiday season, go against the grain, be the change, smile and nod, and keep your fucking mouth shut. It just may be the greatest gift you give anyone all season long.

~sarah p.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Five Things I Learned At My First Out-Of-Town Work Conference:

1. The following people will be at the conference without a doubt: dude that wears running shorts the whole time, free-swag hogs, married gentleman that is going to use this conference as a much-needed break from the wife, aggressive networkers, annoying office workers, and tons of people that take this shit way too seriously. Get yourself a partner-in-crime very, very early on. Mine was named Kira, and without her, I would have crumpled and died on the first day. 

2. You will either have, or be on the receiving end of, a conference crush. Due to the fact that I am in the greatest relationship of all-time, and hated pretty much everyone there, I was of the latter variety. I spent most of the conference refusing to give this dude my e-mail, or explaining for the fiftieth time why I couldn't go to his room for "just one drink".

3. Be incredibly keen on about two of the presentations, take a ton of notes, and make sure everyone sees your face, and you're pretty much home-free for the rest of the time. This means long breaks in the hotel pool, pretending to be fancy ladies at the hotel bar, wandering the hotel shops, and wearing fluffy hotel robes everywhere.

4. When you get busted taking full bottles of wine back to your room from the open bar, make sure you are especially vocal to the hotel staff about the true meaning of open bars.

5. The only way to make it enjoyable is to skip most of your seminars, get drunk every chance you get on free conference cocktails, and basically become the conference wild-child, but be aware, when you return to work on Monday, you are going to look like the work asshole for about a week.
~sarah p.

Jams Of The Week: I Heart Northern Soul Edition


~sarah p.

p.s. That last track is so intense, and easily my favorite song at this moment. 

Tuesday, November 03, 2015

Jams Of The Week (Magic Edition):

 ~sarah p.

Deep, Dark Secrets: I Hate Magic.

I guess it's something about the glint in their eye after they pull off a particularly impressive trick. That "didn't I blow your mind" glimmer that's thrown into your face with every slight of hand, despite no affiliation with the Delphonics, or even the New Kids On The Fucking Block. Nope. To me, magicians are creepy dudes that spend all their time trying to shove the idea of the unseen down your throat at every turn. 

I can recall going to a birthday party as a child, where your run-of-the-mill birthday party magician pulled coins out of ears and fake rabbits out of fake hats. Children around me gasped in awe, but I was too busy trying to figure out which sleeve held that line of tied-up scarves that he was going to pretend to pull out of some orifice later. I knew it wasn't real, and to be honest, I was a little pissed that he was trying to pull our collective legs. Also, I'm kind-of convinced that all children's entertainers are less "smoke and mirrors", and more "toke and beers", if you get my drift. Like, none of them can be trusted. None of them. Not Sharon, Lois, or Bram.

Okay, okay. I hear what you're saying; when's the last time you were able to bend a spoon with your mind, or find someone's card in a deck, Parsons? Like, obviously never. However, every fucking year when David Blaine locks himself into a box and people act like they're surprised he gets out, I lose less and less respect for a profession that relies heavily on glitter and white tigers. Next time a magician looks you in the eye as he makes that coin disappear, give him a look that says "Not today, magic boy. Not today.", and if you're ever asked to volunteer to help with one of the tricks, you get on your feet and you run like hell.

~sarah p.

p.s. The NKOTB version of "Didn't I Blow Your Mind" always threw me off, because you can't tell me that Jonathan Knight or Joey McIntyre were blowing anyone's minds when that shit was recorded.