Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Go for the gold!

I'll be the first to admit it: I've been a little bit bummed-out lately. Now, I could sit here all day and rattle off a billion reasons why things are semi-shitty right now, but the truth is, I think I just needed a full throttle night on the bottle to fix everything.

Honestly, though, I wasn't sure where the night was going to take us on Saturday, and I think the words 'quiet evening' might have even come out of my mouth at some point, but by the time I made it out on the town, nothing could be further from the truth.

We started at The Drum for a few pre-drinks.

I'm all about drinks and general chit-chat, but do you know what I like even better? Drinks and dancing. Holy moly, everyone was on fire that night.
This guy half-assed it five billion times more than I did, so I didn't feel so bad.

I didn't want to go out without a costume, but nobody else was dressing up. So I just took all of the raddest Puerto-Rican gangsta bitch gear from my closet (I try to throw a little bit of 'Rican in most of my outfits) and put it all together into one ghetto-fabulous outfit. Essentially, I turned up the sass on my regular clothes by about 36%. A girl high-fived me for my "costume"... I didn't have the heart to tell her that these are just my regular clothes.

You know that trouble is a-brewin when it takes us forty-eight tries to get a decent group photo of the girls. This was one of the least successful of the bunch.
I wore out the fanny pack especially for Breanne, it seems to keep the good times coming. Matching!
Everytime I think I have some pretty decent moves, Chris shows up and sweeps the floor with my dreams.
Bree and I snuck over to Amsterdam Rhino to see John and Alana. We threw it down to Gasolina and took some photos in the bathroom and maybe we should have quit drinking at that point.
Sike! Back to Broken City, where I proceeded to spill the entire bar on my shirt.
...Over to Stardust, where, just like Cheers, everybody knows your name. Or maybe not. What is going on here again?

Anyway, I feel pretty good now (didn't feel so good Sunday morning, but a little activity and some Wendy's took care of that). Thanks, Saturday.

~sarah p.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

If you feel it raise your L in the sky.

Some thoughts:

-Note to self: Do not wear heels to walk all the way downtown and go shopping for four hours, or you will end up having to scrub the blood out of your shoes, and will have to deal with ten-day blisters.

-You know that show Don't Forget The Lyrics? I think I could totally win that show.

-This is the greatest video that I've found in quite some time. My high-school was never, ever that great. Ever.... Not even during talent shows.

-Last night on Cribs, there was this famous boxer with the biggest house ever. Now, I kind-of wish that my parents would have taught me that violence is the answer.

-I'm trying my best to be cool with winter this year, but I'm really not feeling so rad about leaving the house when it's dark, and coming home when it's dark. I feel like one of those mole-people that I saw on A Current Affair that one time.

-I guess I've finally decided to kind-of forgive Jay-Z for Kingdom Come, but only for the following reasons: Ain't No Love (In The Heart of the City), the fact that he's almost 40, Izzo (H.O.V.A), the way he looks even more doofy when he stands beside Beyonce, the entire Black Album (still solid), that time that he broke up (and then made up) with Nas, and '03 Bonnie and Clyde (laugh all you want, you know that song is perfect). It does, however, make me feel a little sick to know that the guy is going to be releasing another album.

-I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, but I think I finally decided that my favorite movie is Better Off Dead, mainly for the outfit ideas (plus, John Cusack makes an adorable suicidal teenager).

-I've been eating the same massive box of Rainbow Nerds for over a month now (Thanks, Junks!).

-Sometimes when I'm going through downtown, I like to play a game called "Count The Pregnant Ladies". Pretty much everyone and their uncle is having a baby right now. The hospitals are full, my clinic is full, and this city doesn't have room for any more people. So, until the death rate speeds up to the birth rate with a one-to-one ratio (totally possible, if people continue shooting other people like they have lately), can everyone please stop barebacking for a while?

-When I had to take Home Economics in grade seven, the teacher suggested to my parents that I take two modules of cooking, as opposed to the class norm of one module of sewing and one module of cooking. This was due to the fact that, no matter how hard I tried, I was awful with a needle and thread. That being said, I've been working on trying to teach myself how to sew lately, as the hunt for the perfect satin jacket has grown tiresome.

Well, that was my week.... How are you guys?

~sarah p.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Election 2007.

I was lucky. My parents always forced us to vote when we were younger, and now that I'm older, it's just second nature. I love my city, and I want what is best for it.
That being said, until this election, I had never bothered to walk into a voting booth with an informed decision... I mostly just picked candidates based on how funny their names were (Bronconnier? Kind-of a funny name.). However, since I am now working in the non-profit sector, the election directly affects my rate of pay, and whether or not I even have a job, so I figured that I should do my homework. Now, before I continue with this post, please keep in mind that I'm not a political blogger, and the following is mainly for entertainment value (mostly to entertain myself).


Let's talk about some of the main issues of this election:

Now, it's not that I mind having to essentially dry-hump filthy construction workers and old ladies on the bus every day on the way home from work, but you know what would be nice? Some room on the bus. Yes, we have a lack of drivers, thus the city is finding it difficult to keep up with transit demands for our growing population, but with drivers being trained at $11 an hour for the first eight weeks, and low salaries thereafter, why would anyone even bother trying to work for the system? With the threat of a strike a few months ago, wages and benefits were increased slightly for existing workers, but no new incentives were put in place for new employees, and most people looking for low-paying jobs will probably just go work for Tim Hortons instead, where they at least get free donuts all day long.
The current state of our public transit system is not good. The city is quite concerned with traffic, but doesn't offer any solutions for people to stop driving around so much.
What the city doesn't realize is that public transit really brings everyone together. Every morning, when I get on the bus and put my ticket in the slot, I raise my head and give everyone a little nod like "what's up guys? Oh, you guys are losers too? Alright."
You want a cure for racism, sexism, and ageism? Make everyone take the bus for a while. By the end, the whole city will have been knocked down a few pegs, and everyone will probably just become BFFs.

As much as I adore this city, lately we've been acting a lot like that kid in grade eight that got moved up from grade seven halfway through the year that spent all of his time trying to act 'cool' next to the big kids. I feel like our criminal population looked over at cities like Vancouver and Toronto, and decided that they really had to step it up a notch to get us on the map. See Vancouver? We've got a crack problem too. Now can we hang out with you at lunch?
They say that we'll need to hire two hundred police officers in order to have a full police force, but I really don't think they're ever going to be able to find two hundred young, college-educated, agile, drug-free people to fill the positions. Does it take a genius to write a ticket or hold down a crazy man while he shouts obscenities about Jesus? Perhaps we need to re-think the requirements to join the force. As well, if the cops less effort into scribbling out tickets for minor traffic violations and kicking skateboarders off of the Petro Canada building steps, and more effort patrolling areas like the deep northeast (a well-known hub for organized crime), where there are three cars patrolling an area that is triple the size of downtown, then maybe we wouldn't be in this mess... Just a thought.

I am one of the few people I know that actually lives in some sort of affordable housing. That being said, I probably live in the smallest one-bedroom in the city, where I am crammed directly above my neighbours. It's kind-of fun to play games like "What are the neighbours fighting about?", and "What are the neighbours having for dinner?" (the answer for both is almost always 'meatloaf'), but the truth is, my tiny place would be worth about $400/month in Winnipeg or Regina. Housing is tough in this city, and the current solution of spreading out like disease into communities like Cochrane, Okotoks, and Airdrie is not working. Many candidates are preaching about building up as opposed to out. It would be great to see some more downtown development, for both retail and residential units. I've never lived in a place outside of the general downtown area, and perhaps a die-hard suburbanite would have different ideas on the subject, but at the current moment, it's tough to find a place downtown that isn't a $2000/month condo. For a city that centres our economy around big-business oil companies, most of which are located in the downtown core, you'd think that logically, they'd want to try and lure the population closer in toward the city centre, but I'm pretty positive that our current administration enjoys his clone-house out in the burbs, where it's easy to ignore the heart of the city.
The point is, the way things are going, any of us could become homeless at anytime. As someone that works closely with the homeless population, I've seen a shift from the shelters being full of wacky, mentally-ill fellas that go to the bathroom wherever they please, to families and working-class people that have been forced out of living situations due to raises in rent and cost of living. Despite the fact that I may or may not be out of a job if the homeless population decreases, I think all of us would like to see less people out on the streets (and I'm not just saying this because, as of late, the hobo uniform of slim jeans, sneakers with the tongues out, and flannel jackets has turned into the style-norm, and from a distance, I've been mistaking homeless dudes for my friends).


The front-runner candidates for mayor are as follows:

Dave Bronconnier -
This is our current mayor. He's become quite diligent at avoiding most of the pertinent issues, and has embraced the whole "ignorance is bliss" attitude for quite some time now. He looks like the guy that sold my mom her car. Although he has been criticised for his lack of action on affordable housing and transit, and his support of urban sprawl and fucked-up construction projects, the rumor is that he's still a shoe-in for another term.

Alnoor Kassam-
Currently, is using "Al Noor" as his campaign name, as it's easier to pronounce, more folksy, and significantly more caucasian-sounding. He looks like the guy that sold me travel insurance. He has been involved in a rental-increase scandal, as well as a Kenyan financial scandal (who of us hasn't?), but has some good ideas on transit and homelessness. As well, his radio ads are sassy as fuck.

A couple of the "just joking" candidates for mayor are:

Sandy Jenkins-
On October 10th, Sandy was forcibly removed from a Weakerthans concert for sneaking in. When asked if he was remorseful, he claimed "No, I love the Weakerthans". You know, I don't know how you couldn't love the guy a little bit for risking his entire campaign for a glimpse at a Canadian indie group that comes to town like eight times a year.

JJ Sunstrum-
This guy showed up to register at city hall in his pajamas and some buffalo slippers. Although I enjoy his "fuck it, I'm going to look like I just wake'n baked in the parking lot and went to get some Egg Mcmuffins before trying to become mayor" attitude, I'm pretty positive that TSDF* with the majority of Calgarians.

Jeremy Zhao-
Would this city be better off if it were run by a 19-year-old university student? The answer is a resounding 'YES'. Can a 19-year-old university student trick a large portion of the population into voting him into office? Unfortunately, probably not. He did, however, promise to wear a cowboy hat in his official mayoral photograph if elected, something that hasn't been done since 1988.


Look, in the scheme of things, I can't tell you who to vote for, particularly because I haven't quite decided for myself yet. The best advice I can give is to vote, no matter what your decision.
As a bonus, check your voting locations for your area... You may get to catch a glimpse of the inside of your old elementary school gym or the dingy walls of your local legion... Neat!

~sarah p.

*TSDF= That Shit Don't Fly.
Sorry for the novel, guys.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Never a bad time.

Hi friends,

Today, I spent a couple of hours at the laundromat. After an hour or so, I got bored of staring at families with four dirty children, bummed-out single dudes, and shitfaced goth kids, and I took off to 7-11 for a while. After cruising for novelty candy for a bit, I ended up at the cash register with a slurpee. There were a couple of frat boys behind me, and one of them made a snarky comment about people drinking slurpees when it's cold outside.
You can insult my weight, my height, and my intelligence, but never, ever try to criticize my choice of beverages.
I turned around and got serious for a minute. "Look, fuckface, " I said, " There's never a bad time for a slurpee". Then, I bought a lighter with a stoned happy-face on it.
They have white rootbeer slurpee now, which is rad if you have problems with spilling things on yourself.
On the way out the door, a chubby old man winked at me. Score!

Point is, I've been busy, guys, and I'm sorry.
I know I've been a little absentee lately, but I've got a decent post on the way (and it's political... I know, I'm surprised, too!).

Okay, I've gotta go girl-crush all over Silverman's new season. I told you guys... So busy latley.

One love,

~sarah p.

Monday, October 01, 2007


My whole life, I've always thought that having street-cred meant that you knew all of the words to a couple of Biggie songs, and could throw at least two gang signs without thinking too hard about it. This perception changed the other Thursday when I ended up with a bruised kidney, from getting my ass kicked by a bum. I usually prefer the word 'hobo' to 'bum', but in this case, 'hobo' seemed like too friendly of a word (like that charming fella that lives in the parking lot across from the Mustard Seed that told me I had 'nice tits' one time. That guy is a hobo).
Anyway, let me clarify: I was at work, and one of the bums got a little frazzled about a prescription that he felt he needed, and things got a little out-of-hand. I ended up walking out of work that day with a little bit of actual street-cred, for the first time ever. I hate to say it, but it felt gooood.

Here are some ways to get some insta-cred for yourself:

Facial Scars - It really doesn't matter if the scar on your face is from that one time when you were eleven, and you were skating around on one skate to impress a girl, or that one time last month when you tried to pop a wheelie on your bike (probably to impress a girl).... Everywhere you go, strangers will be wondering what happened to your face, and imaginations will be running wild.

More Than One Gang Color - If you go to Compton, and you wear a blue bandana, and a red bandana, and a yellow bandana, and a white bandana, you'll confuse all of the gangs, and everyone will just forget about all of the violence and have a great big block party in your honor. Well, either that, or you'll totally get yourself shot in the face (once again, gaining you insta-cred, so it's no big thing).

Getting in a fight under and (or all) of the following circumstances- while seriously injured, for a girl that doesn't even like you that much, with a bum or a cop (not provoked by yourself), or during a contest (where you decide, during the contest, that winning can go fuck itself, as fighting is way more important.... If that shit's not gangsta, then I don't know what is).

Don't get me wrong, street-cred can have it's downsides as well. What happens the next time on of my friends gets in a brawl? They'll be looking at me like "what's next, partna?", and I'll have to shrug my shoulders and look at the ground and think about bunnies or something. That part's not going to be as much fun, but in the meanwhile..... Watch your backs, I've got like a week or two of cred left, and I intend on using it.

Seriously, just kidding about that last part... The past couple of days, I've been too doped-up on Nyquil to get around to doing anything at all. I guess germs don't observe street-cred.

~sarah p.