Monday, November 26, 2012

Festive.

It's that time of year again.
The time where every product come out with a peppermint or spice-flavored version of itself, no matter how terrible it may be.
The time where fat guys with scraggly white beards don't seem quite as scary or disgusting.
The time where I, in an unusually festive mood, buy a slice of fruitcake from the grocery store, consume just the marzipan icing, and throw the rest in the garbage after realizing what a horrible, horrible mistake I have made.

~sarah p.

p.s. I don't quite know what is happening here, or why I'm so into it, but I think I just found my spearhead to every single mixtape this winter.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Tasting Notes From The Jones Soda Holiday Pack.


 Sugar Plum:
-Would be useful at luring children into a dingy van.
-Sickly sweet.
-Faintly purpley, with a hint of dollar-store grape. 

Candy Cane:
-I will be tasting this flavor in the back of my throat until the day I die.
-Awful and pungent.
-Shockingly offensive. Like Santa ass-cracked a peppermint stick.

Gingerbread:
-Spice and soda do not quite belong together.
-Terrible shade of brown, similar to the color of factories and dead grass.
-Festive! Also, kind of weird!

Pear Tree:
-Once, a saleslady told me I was "pear shaped". Bitch.
-Lots of pear, no tree. Good call, Jones.
-Though vomit-colored, the least likely in the whole pack to actually make me vomit.

~sarah p.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Dateline Exclusive.

I love when Chris Hansen shows up to the Dateline NBC set with a sunglasses tan. It's like a giant fuck you to all those people that think he's strictly "pedophiles and scams".

~sarah p.

Sunday, November 04, 2012

"Cannon Land".



Fuck you Nick Cannon.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Fuck you and your custom Wonka candy room.
Fuck all of those in your life that benefit from said candy room.

It's not fair, Nick Cannon. You host a terrible TV show that takes up 80% of NBC's valuable airwaves, star in Drumline, and bang Mariah Carey, and you're the one that deserves a custom candy room?

Fuck you, Nick Cannon. You are truly the worst. 

~sarah p.

p.s. If I croak on the operating table tomorrow, and reincarnation is a real thing, then I hope I come back as an early 90's New Jack Swing video ho (as illustrated here and here).
Aside from my current life, I'm pretty sure it's the only way I'll be happy.