Friday, March 31, 2006

This is my favorite thing that happened in the news ever.


p.s. Nascar has branched out into the realm of lunchmeat (and other meat-related products). I'm not joking. Now lower-middle-class white trash finally has a snack to call their own (wait....maybe that's what Velveeta was made for).

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Don't normally do these things...

....But work sucks more than usual today, and I needed a minute to myself.

Ron did it, and almost everything Ron does is outstanding..... Just follow suit, and do one for yourself while you're at it.

You know, it's a real shame that they don't have "champion maker of toaster-waffles", or "good at diggin' holes" on the list of stuff, because that's totally how I'd describe myself.

Love you guys!

Monday, March 27, 2006

Moving and Epic Hangovers.

So, I'm going to apologize right now for a lack of posts this week...Amy and I will be crazy busy making our move to the world's most amazing purple house (which, it has been pointed out to me, is actually grey).

In other news, I indulged in too many 'spirits' on Saturday evening, and had a hangover yesterday that put most others to shame. The mix of Strongbow and wine and whatever the hell else I was drinking took my adulthood hangovers to a new level. I spent most of the day in bed, staring at the wall, and reprimanding myself for being so stupid (oh! and getting up every hour for a puke-break).
...At this point, I would say that I will be more careful with my drinking from now on and whatnot, but really.... Who are we trying to kid? I'll just stay off of the Strongbow for a while.

Friday, March 24, 2006

The true story of how I wrote the theme song to COPS.

This may seem a little far fetched, but it happened....I was there.*

This story begins in the hazy summer of 1988. I was six years old, and was doing the best I could to survive on the mean streets of Regal Terrace. In order to make ends meet, I had to dabble in petty thievery and minor dealing. My first sales took place behind the Safeway on Centre Street. 90% of my sales were in "pixie dust", which was the street name for generic powdered drink mix.... It was 27 cents at the Safeway, but I could pocket it inside the store it, and was selling it for 19 cents (which doesn't seem like much now, but when you're six years old....). By December of that year, I had broken the #1 rule of dealing : Don't get high off your own supply.... I had developed a nasty taste for the 'dust, and it was affecting my sales. I had gotten sloppy, I was mentioning my sales all over the playground like it was nothing. I had a constant pink moustache. I had hit rock bottom, but felt like I was on top of the world.

...Then it all came crashing down.

It was March of 1989, and I was behind the Safeway, waiting on my next sale, when two older gentlemen came around the corner. Usually, my clients were under 4'10, and smelled like jolly ranchers, but these guys started asking about the product, and at this point, I wasn't going to turn them away. We agreed on a price, and I reached in my pocket to hand over the packets. Just then, I felt the sting of cold, hard steel on my left wrist. Cops. I should have known by their hefty moustaches and blue suits and badges in the first place, but I was so desperate to make a sale that I had forgotten to be careful.
I knew I was caught, but I didn't want to go down easily. I began scissor-kicking like it was going out of style. I fought every attempt to put me in the police cruiser for over two hours, knocking over several brick walls in the process. Eventually, after tear-gassing me eight times, and bringing in both the K-9 squad and the SWAT team, they were able to restrain me.

I was sitting in the back of the car, waiting for the cops to pick up all of the bricks that I had kicked everywhere, I found a pen and paper, and began to write the best song my six-year-old criminal mentality could churn out. I slid the paper out the window, in hopes I would find it in the future.

After months of court proceedings, I was let off easy....Four months in a sugar-addiction recovery program. However, the day that I got out, I was back on the 'dust, and back behind the Safeway, just trying to make a dollar to keep my habit going. I had just completed my third sale of the day, when I noticed a small crumpled piece of paper on the ground. I opened it up, and sure enough, it was the song. Just then, some young men with dreadlocks came into the alley, and asked me if I knew where they could buy a song. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I handed them the paper for $5.00.

About a year later, I turned on the TV, and heard my track....It was part of the Thursday 8PM-11PM power-slot on FOX, followed by Unsolved Mysteries and a double dose of Herman's Head.

This story does not end with me getting rich of the royalties, nor does it end with me getting internationally recognized for my breathtaking songwriting skills.... In fact, I don't know how it ends. Let me tell you, though...I certainly don't use generic drink mix any more...It's Kool-Aid all the time from now on, friends.

*Events may or may not have been fabricated due to extreme boredom at work.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

North Hill: International Hub for Crazies.

I work in a mall... More specifically, I work in an optometrist's office in a mall.
Optometrist....That means eye doctor. We are not a psychiatrist's office, nor are we an emergency room. However, without going into detail, my office has the most messed-up patients in the whole history of optometry.
Speaking to other optometrist's assistants on the phone, I soon realized that we are the only office in the city that deals with these types of issues.
...At least the job never gets boring (except for Mondays and Fridays, when the doctor isn't even in, and I spend eight hours checking my e-mail and staring at the wall).

In other news, after years of convenience food and take-out, I have committed myself to actually cooking. I am on my second week, and am actually doing pretty good (although I'll be doing much better after I move out of my crappy little apartment, with the world's smallest kitchen). As it turns out, I'm not such a bad cook afterall, just lazy.

Amy and I have found ourselves the most awesome little purple house in Kensington. We move in at the end of next week, and I couldn't be any more jazzed.

The weekend? Ummm....Friday, I think it's time to eat some steak and rock the mic at karaoke.

I realize this post was pretty uninspired, but it's been a rough few days at the office.

Hope you guys had a great week!

Monday, March 20, 2006


Saturday night @ Broken City (Shauna, Crystal, Amy, Allison).

Amy and Ryan (and half my face).
Have you guys figured out how much I love Allison yet?
Amy, Allison, and I were about to have some no-nonsense good times.
Look how jazzed I was about the weekend!
Amy, Crystal, and Allison on Friday, beginning of the night on Friday (notice the bright eyes and good posture).

It was a good (and tiring) weekend.

Friday, March 17, 2006

It's St. Patrick's Day....

...So be sure to wear green, or people will be dicks to you all day.

In other news, it's the weekend, friends, and it looks like it's going to be a good one. Stay tuned.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Don't let me down, Lupe.... Don't let me down.

You know that feeling that you get the night before a vacation, because you know no matter what, it's going to be awesome? Do you guys kinda have the same feeling about Lupe Fiasco's first full-length studio album?
Early summer, I'm prepped.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Dear dudes in crack-filled alleyway behind my apartment:

Stop busting shit up, please....I'm trying to enjoy my delicious Dominican rum.

...No more requests for this evening.

p.s. Turns out, all of the years that I said that I hated rum, I was dead wrong.

Dear Patients:

If you are coming in for an eye exam, please do not pass out. Please do not make us send you, and another patient, to the emergency room.....This makes my day a lot harder than it has to be.
'Preciate it.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

...Only because I love Kate Tucci so very much.

Four jobs I've had:
1. Optometric Assistant
2. Photography instructor
3. Coffee Slinger
4. Booze affiendo

Four movies I like watching:
1. Old School (think you guys know why).
2. Anything with Bill Murray ( because it's so good to support Sara D's dad).
3. Any old Kung-fu (pre- 1985), so long as it's not dubbed (because dubbing is about as stupid as it gets).
4. Any bad teen movie involving some sort of dance-off or something. Don't laugh, you guys like these too, I'm just the first to admit it.

Four Places I've lived:
1. Calgary, AB
2. Uzes, France
3. Bantam, CT
4. Victoria, BC

Four TV shows I like:
1. Ali G
2. Wonder Showzen
3. Little Britain
4. Aqua Teen

Four places I've vacationed:
1. UK
2. Toronto (which, believe it or not, was maybe my best vacation of all time).
3. California (and it's about time to go again. Rumor has it I have some pals to visit).
4. New York (which, by the way, will be the site of my next vacation).

Four dishes I like eating:
1. Sushi
2. BBQ anything in chinatown
3. Curry
4. Eggplant (if it's done right....ahem).

Four sites I like visiting:
1. Myspace (thanks, guys)
2. Livejournal
3. Ohnotheydidnt (because my home-life is sooo not full of gossip, so I need something to feed my, um, hunger).
4. gmail (if you guys ever want an invite, let me know....Many thanks to Emily Eddy, who totally hooked me up over a year ago).

...It was a very quiet weekend. Amy and I are super busy finding a new place to live, but I am pretty optimistic about us finding the most amazing dream-house in the history of the world.

Can we all plan on going to Broken City this Saturday? Please?

Friday, March 03, 2006

Vietnamese wedding videos > Everything else.

Seriously guys, if you have any Vietnamese friends, ask them if they have any wedding videos you can watch. I do have a tendency to exaggerate from time to time, but I am not exaggerating at all when I say that Vietnamese wedding videos are the most entertaining and awesome thing of all time. Remind me to tell you the details later.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

My friends are f-ing adorable.

Amy tried to take a photo of us...Didn't work out so well.
Allison (in pink!), Amy, and Melissa.
Apparently something was hilarious in the bathroom in Bamboo.
This is me making my drunken pouty sexy face (and by 'sexy', I mean 'not sexy at all'), because it's hard to compete with hot chicks like these in the bathroom of the Drum.

p.s....Moving a friend at 1AM on a weekday is mad hard (especially after a few beers), but an experience everyone should probably have.