Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Grape escape.

Fat free? It's a dieter's dream!

Oh, hell yeah. Real fruit juice. Guess who's replacing their morning Grape-Nuts with Grape Heads.

Watch the pounds melt away, fools.

~sarah p.

p.s. Guys! Dam-Funk this Saturday! Gonna be amazing!

Monday, January 17, 2011

A little help from my (ginger, disabled, puppet) friends.

I've been watching a lot of Toddlers & Tiaras lately. Typically, I watch shows like this to keep myself cynical and miserable. Watching mothers spray-tan their eighteen month old daughters and wrench fake nails onto their tiny little hands can be a terrible experience. Watching moms crumple with faded glory when their young daughters don't bring home a giant trophy and $200 stapled onto a paper plate can make you lose a little faith in the world. I thought all pageant parents were horrible people that stuffed their children full of Red Bull and Pixie Sticks and painted them up like little mini-whores to parade them around in an attempt to make up for their own lacklustre childhoods... That is, until I met Jaclynn.

I guess responsible parents are a rare breed on the pageant circuit. Not only are Jaclynn's parents responsible, but also abnormally supportive. If the kid wants to do the robot in the talent competition, no problem. If the kid wants to bring her life-sized, disabled puppet-baby to the competition, absolutely.
Wait, what?

Sorry, I should've introduced you to Arnold earlier. He comes along to every pageant, mostly for support. He has his own seat in the minivan.

Did I mention that he also has his own wheelchair? Well, he does. What are you going to do about it?

He's always there to extend his warmest congratulations when adorable little Jaclynn hops off of the stage. Job well done, pageant queen! Whatever the fuck you were doing...

Damn straight, you keep doing it, you little firecracker... Shine like the bright little star that we all know you can be.

...You know I was mostly talking to Arnold, right?

~sarah p.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

True softness.

After years of "accidentally" leaving clothing at my mom's house so she could wash them in her own special way, I finally broke down and bought a bottle of Downy. It cost me like three dollars, and now I'm basically drowning in cottony softness.
You can use all of the dryer sheets you want, liquid fabric softener is where it's really at.
Next time you see me, make sure you smell my shirt. Daaammmmnnn! That shit is soft and aromatic, right? Downright intoxicating, I tell ya.
I considered calling in sick to work the other day because I wanted to spend the day smelling and rolling my bed sheets. I have experienced true softness, and I am never going back.
Dylan better watch out, I'm awfully close to running off with the Snuggle bear forever.

~sarah p.

Monday, January 03, 2011

2010: A Year in Photos.

Best dance floor setup 2010:
Most goats 2010:
Closest giraffe 2010:
Cutest art 2010:
Wisest piece of bathroom-wall advice 2010:
Tastiest cupcake 2010:
Most economic soap dispenser 2010:
Strangest tree 2010:
Best enchilada 2010:
Filthiest pig 2010:
Bestest friends 2010:
Creepiest shelf 2010:
Scariest cult 2010:
Hottest snack deal 2010:
Jaggedest wound 2010:
Prettiest zoo day 2010:
Sassiest dinosaur 2010:
Most successful science experiment 2010:
Toughest bunny 2010:
Most promising soon-to-be carnivorous terrarium 2010:
Most high-profile photo cred 2010:
Highest Def Jam's Rapstar score 2010:
Best Prehistoric road trip 2010:
Happy 2011, guys!

~sarah p.

p.s. Not gonna lie, I am already looking forward to the best enchilada of 2011. Oh, man.