Thursday, June 26, 2014

Jams Of The Week (All Night Long Edition):

  ~sarah p.

p.s. That Faith Evans track was runner-up for summer jam 2014, as well as one of my favorite roller-skate jams ever, ever, ever.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Summer Jams 2014.

I have been house sitting at my parent's place this week, which means I have less responsibility than ever (which is hardly possible, but here we are). I figured I'd use all of my spare time, along with a few glasses of wine from their pricey collection and their amazing surround-sound system, to really hammer out the fine details of this year's summer jam. I was really all over the map for a while, somewhere between French house and codeine-laced DJ Screw remixes, and was about ten seconds away from just giving up all together and just picking another SWV remix (perhaps this one?) when a group of stoned teenagers saved the day. I was on the balcony, overlooking the park that sits directly beside the house, when a large cloud of smoke wafted past my face. I looked down at a group of boys in their late teens. They looked back up at me, and asked what song was currently flowing through the windows. We began a great discussion on music, and pretty soon, I had joined them at their picnic table. I explained that I was finishing up some research for personal purposes, ie: a blog that nobody reads. I listed off many summer jams I had already used, some I had considered, and some I had actively avoided, such as my genuine, non-ironic love of child rappers. One of the boys looked at me through bleary, red eyes and asked me one of the most sensical questions of my life: "Why wouldn't you include child rappers?", and truthfully, there is no reason at all.

Without further adieu, here is every adolescent rap song I have ever wanted to make into a summer jam, but didn't:

~sarah p.

p.s. Did I miss any good ones? What is YOUR summer jam? If you don't know by now, you better get to work!
p.p.s. If you haven't listened to Bishop Nehru's Soundcloud yet, then now is the fucking time, slowpoke. 

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

California Dreaming.

It was only five days, but it was five days of paradise. Did you know that there are a series of canals in Los Angeles? Well, you do now. They are fucking beautiful. Did you know that Beverley Hills High is a lot less glamorous than one would think? I got a first-hand tour, and it looked like a regular-ass high school. No Brenda Walsh, no Brandon Walsh, and not even Ian Ziering, who probably really needs a place to crash right now. Did you know that there is a free (keyword: free) museum, and it is big and wonderful and has a lot of important shit on the walls? I did an art gallery tour of LA, and each space was impressive and totally the best. Maybe it was the company I kept. Did you know that camp friends are the best type of friends? Well, it's true. It's been almost ten years since I worked in Connecticut, and every time I see my camp friends, it's like we were just sneaking out of camp to drink at the "library" yesterday. I cried on the plane on the way back. Most of the way back, as a matter of fact. This happened the last time I got to see these girls, and will certainly happen every visit thereafter, because the only shitty thing about camp friends is that they live very, very, very far away.

Here is a little taste of a glorious five days with my favorite people ever:

~sarah p. 

p.s.  After a couple of cocky Korean dudes chatted me up in LAX, I kind-of wish that was a breed of human that existed outside of LA, because it was awesome and refreshing.

Jams Of The Week (Common N' Kanye Edition):

~sarah p.

Monday, June 09, 2014

Questions For My New iPhone:

1. Why can't Siri understand a damn thing I say? I always thought I sounded like a regular human when I spoke, albeit a little whiny and lispy, but now I am sure I must be speaking my own version of English that even a tiny super-computer can't understand.

2. Why do I have more spelling and grammar mistakes now that I ever did, pre-auto-correct? Are my fingers just too fucking fat for today's technology?

3. Is this Tinder thing a good idea? Actually, let me answer my own question here. No. It's not.

4. Why does my phone only recognize that my finger is directly fucking on it asking it to do something about half the time, and never when I need it to move quickly, like when I saw a couple of Furries making out in the airport, and needed to take a photo?

5. Initially I thought an iPhone would be a good idea, because it would replace my phone, camera, and iPod. Now that I have realized that the iPhone is still probably bigger and heavier than an amalgamation of the three, how insanely furious should I be with myself for not doing the calculations pre-sale?

6. Can you download porn onto an iPhone? Asking for a friend.

7. Why am I paying over double what I was pre-smart-phone, just so I can avoid the whole thing like the plague? I have taken to telling people to "just call me on my land-line". Also, it is of note that it is 2014, and I still have a land line.

8. After wrapping this thing in a million cases (it may as well have it's own life jacket and seat belt), why am I still so positive that it is going to smash into a million bits anyway? It's better protected than a human child, or at least, one with sane parents.

9. If I already knew that I wasn't going to like the whole process of upgrading my phone, why did I not only upgrade, but also lock in to a daunting two-year contract? The salesman wasn't even very handsome.

10. How do you people function at all with the world at your fingertips 24 hours a day?

This post was NOT sent from my iPhone, obviously.

~sarah p.

Jams Of The Week (UGK Edition):

~sarah p.

p.s. Throughout the years, there have probably been about twelve UGK songs that have totally changed how I thought about hip hop on the whole. I'll elaborate more on this another time, but isn't that so fucking amazing in itself?

Sunday, June 01, 2014

This Just In.

I'm just going to come right out and say it: I have a real thing for newscasters. I'm not talking about the local dudes that you see every night at 6 and 11, the ones you see kind-of tipsy at the Folk Fest every year. No, I'm talking about national and international newscasters from big network TV. I'm obsessed. Here are my top 3:

Watching Don Lemon get really serious during interviews, to the point where he takes his glasses off to focus more intently, has been my jumpoff for the past few months. Don Lemon. Get at me. I know you don't really like girls, but I would like to see if I can change your mind.

I have spent an unusual amount of time scheming on ways to meet Chris Hansen. I have it down to running a Nigerian Ponzi scheme, or luring him with a suggestive screen name. I'll use something like "Iloveboyz1982", and when I come around the corner and Chris Hansen pops out from behind a curtain, I can have a good laugh and explain that I just really love Boyz II Men. Then, we'll slow-dance to 'End Of The Road' while the cameras roll. It's a plan that is as clever as it is realistic.

Looks-wise, David Muir has a real Scott-Disick-but-taller thing going on, and the cockiness to match. The way he condescendingly throws news at the viewer on 20/20 in his crisp Tom Ford suits implies that he would be a rather dominant lover. You know, the kind that makes you hate yourself a little for enjoying your time together so very much.

This just in. Call me, newscasters.

~sarah p. 

p.s. Honorable mentions: A. Coops, Greg Kelly, Bill Hemmer, Richard Lui, Thomas Roberts, and, now that he's probably high 24/7, Dr. Sanjay Gupta.

p.p.s. This week, I am off to LA. I will probably love it a lot, and may not return. We'll see.

Jams Of The Week (California Love Edition):

~sarah p.