Tuesday, February 03, 2009

It Ain't Easy Being Bobby Brown.

They say the grass is always greener on the other side.  
For years and years, I would cram myself onto the bus in the early morning, where a stranger's clammy hands would brush against my ass and a crazy lady would try and involve me in some sort of conversation about how she thinks that the birds can hear her thoughts, and I'd find myself staring off into space and thinking: "I bet Bobby Brown doesn't have to deal with this shit".  
Let's face the facts, if you strike all of the "black marks" off of his record, Mr. Brown has had the perfect life. Let me break it down for you:
Girls? Check.
Money? Check.
New Edition? Check.
Recently, after much thought, I've realized that Bobby Brown is an actual living, breathing human (and not some sorts of sweaty R&B robot). Thus, he has his good days and his bad days just like everyone else. Instead of clammy hands grabbing his ass on the bus, he has aging groupies trying to stick their hands down his pants at the casino. Instead of being forced to listen to crazy ladies yammer on about spy-birds, he has Whitney calling to screech at him about the child support cheque. Believe it or not, Bobby has his woes too. 

Here are the top ten pitfalls of being Bobby Brown:
1. You are so outrageously fertile that you can essentially get a girl pregnant just by looking in her direction. This rule does not exclude your manager, random girls in the line at Popeye's, or even Whitney Houston (who, after years and years of ingesting any chemical that gets near her face, has a uterine environment similar to a balloon filled with drain cleaner).

2. The constant phonecalls from Ralph Tresvant, begging you to let him clean your pool for a reasonable price.

3. Still can't talk Rice-A-Roni into giving you royalty payments.

4. There isn't enough Ajax in the world to scrub the last of Whitney's crack-residue off of the bathroom counter.

5. For some reason, 'Humpin' Around' doesn't have the same charm when you're over 40 and have a heart condition.

6. When you're out in public with your daughter, and somebody yells "Bobby", you always get confused as to which one of you is supposed to turn around.

7. Only get picked for reality TV shows after Gary Busey falls through.

8. Say what you will, they just don't make bike-shorts like they used to.

9. Despite an almost-all original cast, producers told you it was 'too risky' to let you write a song for the Ghostbusters 3 soundtrack.

10. Just too handsome for your own good.

"Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me, why don't they just let me liiiiiiivvvveee".
-My Perogative, 1988

...And with that, I'd like to extend a formal apology to Mr. Bobby Brown. I guess that life as an international playboy superstar isn't always fun and games. Lesson learned.
With Sincerity, 
~sarah p.