Thursday, October 15, 2009

A letter to my pals at City of Calgary (Snow Removal Department):

Hi Friends,

Look, I understand that it rarely snows in October in this city, and it's totally my choice to try and walk to work each day (heaven forbid someone with a raging fear of driving does the city a favor and stays off of the roads, right?). I get it: it's tough to get your shit together for the first snow of the year, and I can't promise that I wear the most "snow-appropriate" footwear either.

HOWEVER, I am entirely certain that my walk to work would have been 900% easier these last few days if I didn't have to try and scale the unshoveled stairwell underneath the copper church in Renfrew. Really, would it have killed you guys to chuck some salt on this icy deathtrap? As someone who has all of the grace of a drunk hippo, I'm pretty positive that I narrowly escaped a severe head injury this morning. Do you guys want to be the ones that have to feed me my breakfast through a bendy straw each day? Didn't think so.

More importantly, I looked like a total fucking moron trying to slide my ass down those stairs last night (I had to hold on to the rail with both hands like a toddler that hadn't quite mastered the logistics of walking yet). If there's one thing I can't handle at all, it's personal humiliation. Hell, I can't even stand to see others humiliate themselves. The other day, I locked eyes with a guy that was slinking out the door of 'Paradise Exxquisite Massage Parlour', and I thought the mortification might kill me. Yeeesh.

Anyway, enough chit-chat. I'm a firm believer that you shouldn't complain about something without offering some solutions to the issue.
Thus, here is a list of things that you could have done to remedy this situation:

1. Send someone to my home to carry me to work.
2. Set up some Jetsons-like tubes to transport me up the hill.
3. Just do your fucking jobs.

Many Thanks,
~sarah p.

p.s. Guys! After years and years of wishing and praying, I finally saw Jay-Z last night, in the flesh. Besides a corny-as-fuck outro, the concert was near to perfect.... Bless that man and his gigantic ego. I'm still in total awe.....

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Dreams do come true...

Today, I learned that there is a type of Octopus called a Wonderpus, and now I feel all warm and wonderful. You know what? On second thought, perhaps that feeling could be attributed to the large amounts of generic PM cold formula I have been taking at home. By myself.

~sarah p.

p.s. Guys! Being sick at home is totally the worst! You guys know how much I love a day off from work, but this is not the way...