Thursday, April 22, 2010

The British Are Coming!

British kids are so much better than Canadian kids.
Firstly, they are so polite! Manners get you everywhere in this world (at least that's what my parents told me?).
Secondly, they wear the most adorable, proper uniforms! You know what happens when you dress little girls up in knee-socks and cute skirts and sweater vests? They dream of becoming royalty and having lush gardens and fancy tea every day. Growing up, half of the girls I knew wore Zubaz and grew up to be burlesque dancers (which, for those of you that don't know, is like being a stripper, except your father was actually present during your childhood). Stay classy, Canada.
Thirdly, the accent.
Need proof? Observe:

It doesn't matter that they all grow up to be chavs, chubby alcoholics, and snaggle-toothed slappers: British kids are the cutest thing (except for bunnies, cookies shaped like windmills, when cats are sleepy, mini liqueur bottles, Japan, and you guys)!

~sarah p.

Slow Jams.

Well, I figured it was 'bout time that I dedicated a post to slow jams ('bout time I posted anything, am I right, guys?). I'm getting a little older, maybe a little softer, and it's about time I turned down the gangsta rap and relaxed a little bit (once in a while). That doesn't mean that you'll be catching me cooling out to the smooth sounds of Kenny G (the hair sicks me out), or John Mayer (why don't you dump another poorly-aging celebrity, pretty-boy?). No, sir. My taste in slow jams is incredibly refined.

I could write all night about how much I loved Silk and Shai and Mint Condition and Blackstreet and a million more generic 90's R&B groups, and how much I love old Motown ballads, but I thought I'd single out a few stand-out jams for you folks:

I loved SWV. Looooved. The girls were more hood than En Vouge and TLC, and had longer fingernails than Brandy, Monica, or any of the bitches in Xscape. 'Weak' is basically the sweetest love song on the planet, every other song on their album is a slow jam, and there's one video where some dude is wearing a Flames jersey (Calgary shoutout!).

I was watching Behind The Music a few years ago, and learned that Jodeci, essentially, held Mary J Blige hostage in a coke den and forced her to pen and record 'What's the 411' (great, great album, by the way). I've mentioned these guys before, because I really do think their first few albums were amazing. They took the sounds of gigantic egos and coke-induced sweats and sex acts that are illegal in most countries, slowed them down, and combined them into some of my favorite songs of all time.

R. Kelly is not the greatest singer. He is illiterate, and scary, and perhaps clinically insane. However, the man has the hugest balls in all of R&B (figuratively, and possibly literally), and knows his way around a slow jam. How many dudes basically admit to having sex with teenage girls, while writing songs about how 'Age Ain't Nothing But A Number', and have nobody bat an eyelash? How many songwriters can say that they have written songs about sex with any number of sexual partners, in every single position, setting, and situation in the entire universe? How many dudes have been arrested, on stage, for being 'too sexy' (more than once!)? One. Kels and only Kels.

Juicy's 'Sugar Free' is, hands down, my favorite slow jam. I don't allow myself to play it while I walk to work, because I walk too slowly while it plays. It's gut-wrenching and catchy and totally sincere. Years and years ago, I had a copy of Az's 'Do or Die' CD (terrible album), where 'Sugar Free' was sampled in the only single that had any sort of commercial success. I question this of myself often: do I really love rap, or do I just love the samples? The latter was true during my french-house phase of the late 90's/early 00's... What can I say? I'm a sucker for a clever loop.

Really, guys, I say it all the time: people need to chill the fuck out. So grab a glass of wine (or malt liquor, whatever tickles your fancy), relax by the fire with your loved one (if you don't have an indoor fire, start one on the front lawn!), and slow down your evening with these songs. Don't blame me for any resulting pregnancies.

Be easy, pals.
~sarah p.