Thursday, July 29, 2010

A well deserved break.

I have a feeling these next few days are going to be wonderful... Like when Urkel gets drunk, but in weekend form.

~sarah p.

Monday, July 26, 2010

You think you've had a bad day?

This guy got busted, on COPS, for having sex in his truck. Next to a playground. With his (currently incarcerated) brother's wife. Who was fifteen years his junior.

I was watching a particularly rousing episode of COPS a few weeks ago, aptly titled "Stupid Behavior #3".
The cops pull up to the bumper of this old pickup, where there's a bunch of blurred blobs of skin, jumbling around in the cab. The driver's window opens, and a man's voice asks if he can get dressed. The man emerges wearing a neon orange t-shirt, and dangerously short cutoffs. A meek woman saunters out behind him, wearing a man's button-down shirt and no pants. The woman is terrified, she asks the cops if they have to "tell her folks" about the arrest. "Yes", nods the cop, sympathetically, despite the fact that the woman is clearly over the age of eighteen.
The man stands and talks with the cops for a minute. "Did you realize that you guys are right beside a playground, where there are children playing only a few feet away?", the cop asks.
The guy looks around for a moment and lights a cigarette with shaky hands: "I thought we were below the sight-line". "No", says the cop, "You were above the sight-line".
As they cuff him and frisk his pockets, he keeps saying polite, jolly things like: "Sorry 'bout this, guys", and "Well, jeez, I'm just real red in the face here".

Shows about cops? Still hot.
Shows about prison? On fire.

...Gotta make sure I don't spend too much time outside this summer, right? I don't want to go into "tan withdrawls" in the fall.

~sarah p.

Friday, July 23, 2010


Cover page again, baby! Still a star.

~sarah p.

p.s. Guys! I think it might actually start acting like summer soon! Tomorrow, I'm going to drink some wine spritzers in the back yard, read some vintage Vogues that I picked up at the flea market, and shoot for medium bronze legs, light bronze face. Also, this neighbourhood is full of baby bunnies right now, and we have a big pot full of catnip (and also every cat on the block), so I don't even have to leave the yard to be entertained!
Next weekend is Stars & Muscles 5, and I am totally not wearing a coat. It is going to be the best.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Lohan: Raw

Whoa, Lohan... You've really done it this time. You are in so much trouble, dude.
You are going to get hurt in prison. You are going to be the most attractive human in the entire building at all times (hell, even in court, you managed to pull off a "drugged supermodel that hasn't blown all of her money yet, and likes to play with markers" look that really worked!). Your cellmate is going to be so fucking stoked. When Martha Stewart got out of prison, she re-appeared into the spotlight, and told everyone that she was better for the experience. What she didn't mention were the nightly mandatory 'truth or dare' games in the exercise yard, or the 'Martha doesn't shower alone' rule that the girls in her cell block made up. It is going to be awful.
90 days later, you'll emerge a happy, slightly less scruffy, demure faux-lesbian... At least until you get your hands on one of the three V's: vodka, Vicodin, or vagina.
Tough break, kid. Good luck in the slammer.

~sarah p.

Friday, July 09, 2010

Best summer ever.

There is one thing, and only one thing, thing that I miss about being in school: summer vacation.
You know what, though? Although I will never have the entire months of July and August off ever, ever again, the basic principles stay the same as they were in seventh grade. It's not rocket science, you guys.
If you feel like your summer is off to a lagging start, here are some things you can do to ensure the best summer ever:

Pick up a copy of the 'Above The Rim' soundtrack (I cannot stress this enough).
Drink beverages in slush-form only.
Buy a single pack of menthols and make it last for two whole months (refreshing!).
Wear mesh.
Eat popsicles every night for dinner.
Kick it at the outdoor pool.
Learn how to dunk (even if it's just on the elementary school nets).
Blow all of your spare change on sour soothers and freezies, and eat them on the swings at the playground.
Kick a wasp nest, and run (bonus: great way to burn calories).
Bring a pillow outside, and take a nap while you get a foxy tan.
Spearhead some sort of rap group. It doesn't matter if you break up just after Labour Day.
Heckle the 'Shakespeare in The Park' dudes.
Sneak into your neighbour's garden at night to enjoy some fine produce.
Try to fry an egg on the sidewalk.
Make casual bets on how many nutsacks you'll see peeking out of cutoffs on any given day at the park.
Stay up until the light starts peeking through the darkness, wake up in the early afternoon.
Find an old wheelchair. You'll be the envy of all of the kids riding around on stupid bikes.
Forget your curfew.
Go steal a stack of pamphlets from the Library, fold them into boats, throw them in the river, and watch them float away.
Wear your bathing suit instead of underpants, all summer long.

I may have responsibilities now that I didn't have fifteen years ago, but I still have a feeling that this may be one of the best summers ever.
~sarah p.