Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Shameless Promotion.

Look, I'm not here to tell you what to do. I really can't force anyone to do anything. However, just do me a quick favor and look at this photo of Dylan and I.... Such a promising young couple. Look into our bright little eyes; so full of hopes and dreams. Our import beer bottles are full, we've got high-quality food in our stomachs, we've got new shirts on our backs, and we're probably about to hit the town with our pockets full of coins. We'll head home late in the evening, laughing as we fall into our soft queen-sized bed covered in luxurious sheets. Do you want to take this away from us?

How's this for shameless promotion:

Go to Dylan's store and buy things, or we will starve to death. We will end up naked on the streets. We won't even be able to live in a cardboard box, because Dylan is too tall, and we will need the box for it's nutritional value (mostly fibre). They probably won't let us stay in the homeless shelter, because Louise is too loud. If we want booze, we'll have to make it ourselves out of rainwater, the donuts we fish out of the dumpster behind the Tim Horton's, and some old ripped underpants we found on the highway. Nobody will speak to us because if you're drinking booze that you made from old underpants, you're going to smell like booze made from old underpants. Pretty soon, we'll lose all of our limbs from our poor hygiene habits, and we'll have to crawl around like slugs.

Just try and ask people for a "little bit of spare change" when you're dirty, homeless, naked, slithering around on the ground, reek of underpants-booze, and have a screaming old cat following you everywhere.... Not gonna happen.

Anyway, the point of all this is to promote Frontside's fresh new blog!


Check out the blog, then turn fantasy into reality by hopping in your car and making the breathtaking drive from Calgary to Okotoks to buy some fantastic merchandise. We've got a mortgage to pay, son.

~sarah p.

p.s. Did I tell you guys that already? We bought our inner-city dream home!
Get ready for a summer full of BBQs and backyard get-togethers.
Fuck the suburbs.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

G'head Mr Phoenix (You go, boy!).

I'll be honest, I like where this guy's career is heading. Really, I think you can only a mega-attractive actor for so long before you decide to just go right ahead and chuck your reputation in the dirt.

I could be wrong, but it must be fucking boring to be a mega-superstar. Your hair has to look nice all of the time, you can't beef up on delicious Los Angeles tacos, you can't get busted with any paraphernalia in your pocket, or get fall-down drunk in public. You have to date dull model-types (way less fun), and pick your movie rolls very carefully. I don't think any sane person could keep on this path forever (look what happened to Tom Cruise, right?).

Truthfully, I could probably stand to be a do-gooder celebrity for about a month, and not a second more. You know.... The type that shows up to charity events in tasteful attire without even a hint of booze on their breath. You know what? Scratch that. I don't think I could do it for even a month. I'd probably show up at those types of events and make some sort of distasteful comment or something, and then what happens?!? Exactly. Perez Hilton won't get off your ass, and you're stuck giving an apology to the whole world on a 'very special' episode of Oprah. Awful.

It's a well-proven fact that do-gooder celebrities fall much, much harder than celebrities with previous drug charges, sex tapes, and/or other various scandals. This is where Joaquin Phoenix really shines. It's not like the guy has a rap-sheet a million miles long or anything, but he started off his career with just enough dirt to allow him to take any future path that he may choose (whether that be a fruitful high-profile acting career, or a Lohan-style jump off the deep end).

Let's do a quick rundown:

Bizarre cult upbringing? Check.

More than one legal name-change? Check.

Overdose in the family? Check.

PETA affiliation? Check.

Sounds to me like all of the recent weird-ass rap stunts put this fella riiiiiight on track.

So what if he was the hottest guy in the world for a while in the late nineties? So what if he had an Oscar-nominated performance in Walk the Line? Now's really the time for him to go buck-wild, throw some EZ combs in his hair (by the makers of Turbi-Twist and Hairgami!), and start a homeless rap career. If you ask the average person on the street about the curent state of Joaquin's career, they will shrug their shoulders and say: "I ain't mad at that".

Could this all be some sort of wacky publicity stunt? Possibly. Is there a chance that he is just fucking around, and is in the middle of making some sort of brilliant mockumentary with Casey Affleck? Well, those celebrity siblings do tend to stick together (plus, I bet there's a 100% chance that Ben Affleck's brother has access to great weed).

Anyway, the whole point of all of this needless rambling was to offer my full support of Joaquin's newfound lunacy. Perhaps I need an engaging hobby (beyond geeking out on Eastbound and Down, getting trashed, and youtubing 80's disco videos).

~sarah p.