Sunday, September 25, 2016

I Love The 90's... Or Do I?

Imagine my delight when I stopped by Sev on my way home from work Friday night and they were offering Crystal Pepsi Slurpees, but the honeymoon didn't last long, my friends.

Either Crystal Pepsi tasted much better in 1992, or that slick Van Halen marketing campaign had me shook to the core.

It's like trying on capri pants and realizing that, although I was positive I was reminiscent of a Dave LaChapelle-style Aguilera in 2001, I actually just looked like a stumpy soccer mom. Or, like that time I tried to watch the animated version of Watership Down as an adult, and realized it wasn't a topical children's movie about adorable bunnies.

~sarah p.

Jams Of The Week (Early Fall Party Edition):

~sarah p.

p.s. Not sure why, but the best house parties are literally always in the early fall. 

Sunday, September 18, 2016

I'm Baaaaaack (With Hot Makeup Tips):

Hey guys. Remember me? I used to whine on this platform on a regular basis? Well, guess who's back in the motherfucking house? Yep. You guessed it.

I'm not sitting around here like "please take mercy on me, world", but life dealt me a few shitty cards in a row, and I spent a few months just lining things up again, carefully piecing my life back together. Here's what nobody will ever tell you about the unexpected end of a relationship (romantic and professional, at the same fucking time, in my case): you will lose a ton of weight really quickly, and people will tell you that you look great, even if you know that your insides don't feel great at all. Call it shallow, but sometimes those compliments really help you get by. Thus, through it all, I kept my face looking good on purpose. As stupid as it sounds, it really gave me a boost on those rough days to know that, at the very least, I didn't look like I was going through an early midlife crisis.

I'm working an actual, real adult job now. Every day when I go in I feel like an imposter, but at least my face reads as somewhat-mature, thanks to some fancy brushwork and a carefully curated collection. I'm coming through on the other side now, guys. Feeling much better about the world in general, stronger than ever. However, the most important lessons learned over the last few months had nothing to do with protecting my heart, or human resiliency, but rather, how to get my cosmetics game on point.

Here's how to keep your face looking perfect while you mend a broken heart:

You know that "one modest glass of wine buzz" where you get the sudden motivation to try to do an adult cartwheel, but are super, extra careful in case your body doesn't remember how? Welp, that's the secret to perfectly winged liner as well. A very, very slight intoxication (of your choice) seems to steady the hand rather well. Just as the aforementioned tipsy cartwheel, you will nail this look only about 60% of the time. Also, the more lashes the better, so put on about eight coats, combing after each one.
Pro Tip: Use Urban Decay's 24/7 pencil liner to sketch out your wing, then sharpen your lines with Revlon's Colorstay liquid liner. The combo is helpful for those of us that color outside the lines, and will stay put through swims, cry-sessions, and those drunken make-outs that last a million years.

At first glance, it might seem like a bad idea to be taking your lipstick cues from the Love & Hip Hop franchise, but those ladies DO WORK. Trust me, blue and grey and lavender are shockingly wearable, and really pull together an outfit.
Pro Tip: Bold colors on your lips look best when matte. My two favorite brands, in both formula and color selection, are Kat Von D's Liquid Lipstick and anything matte by NYX. To keep your lips from drying out, slick on a light coat of a really waxy balm, like Burt's Bees, or those shitty free ones that you get at work conventions. You don't have to line most of these if you have a steady hand, but if you've ever seen my handwriting, you'd know that it can be a good idea. For colors outside of the red/pink/brown/nude realm, look at the cheapie eyeliner section. I almost always buy Annabelle's Kohl liners, or look on the Essence rack for a color match (their liners are a dollar, you guys). My current favorite look for a night on the town includes NYX's Soft Lip Cream in Stone Fox, and is actually lined by a felt liquid liner from Quo. To tone it down a notch, use a gloss instead of matte formula, but understand that your lips are a legit stain-weapon of mass, uh, stains. Collars, kisses, and white clothing are just begging for the gentlest brush of your lips, depositing the most stubborn little glossy lip prints. Here's a super hot tip for all of my single ladies: a matte lip gets through a really wasty night a lot better than a glossy one.

If you're going to be running into your ex somewhere, the badass classic black liner/red lip combo conveys equal parts of "I've got myself pulled together", and "keep your new bitch in check, please". With sharp liner and severe lips, your brows are going to have to be perfect. Your eyebrows should make you look surprised. Not like, surprise-party level, but rather, "finding five bucks in the pocket of last year's winter coat" level.
Pro Tip: Throw some decent curls in your hair while you're at it, and wear black. There's something about the "Sandy from Grease" vibe that throws shade without even saying a word. Use a sea spray to keep that shit tight the entire night. Sea spray is basic (it's just salt water that has been engineered to not have that rotten fish corpse vibe of actual ocean water), but there's something about it that almost tricks your brain into thinking you've been to the beach.

A good highlighter can erase all of life's mistakes. Hungover? Depressed? Exhausted? Got way too high on weed cookies? Highlight that shit away!
Pro Tip: A pearly highlighter, like MAC's Strobe Cream, can be used your eyelids, while a golden highlighter, Benefit's Watt's Up on your cheeks. It really helps fake that awake/tanned/healthy vibe when you are decidedly none of those things.

If you're lazy and don't feel like doing your makeup, just throw on a really aggressive pair of sunglasses and less clothes than you'd normally wear, and nobody will bother looking at your face.
Pro tip: A bright lip can also distract from tired eyes or that little chip out of your front teeth. If you have something big to cover up, like a zit or a big scratch on your face or something, then you may want to give it the ol' one-two-punch and wear a sassy lip AND leave the top six buttons of your shirt open.

Anyway, the point is, when your heart is pooling in sad little puddles at your feet, just pick up a new black felt-tip liner and fake it 'til you make it. One day you will realize that you can mellow out on the waterproof formula, but obviously they make that shit for a reason. xo

~sarah p.

Jams Of The Week (This Is It Edition):

~sarah p.