Monday, January 26, 2015

Jams Of The Week (Ft. Biggie Edition):

 ~sarah p.

The Worst Of Urban Outfitters- Worst Pants Edition:

If you've ever though that the crotch of your pants might be a sweet place to store things, then kangaroo-jump yourself into this fine number.

When I pull on a pair of leggings for the day, the first thing I assess is whether or not my fat is bulging out anywhere. With this pair of leggings, no need to look in the mirror: it's all bulge, and nothin' but.

Speaking of bulge,why not let those hip bulges "breathe" in these sassy tights?

And you know what? If society says you have to wear pants or risk getting arrested, why not just wear pants without sides? Fuck you, society.

If your hippie art teacher from seventh grade has served as continuous fashion inspiration for the last twenty years, then OU's got your back with these flowy printed sacks.

On the topic of sacks, why not make your ass look like one in these lace-up cargo capris, on sale for $80?

If you're really concerned about your lower half, why not go for a snappy number that's half clown-car, and half "baby trying on daddy's pants"? It's sure to drive away those pesky sexual-harassers.

Be your very own "genie in a bottle" with this half-mesh piece. As a bonus, these pants feature an inseam that wouldn't work on any body, so there's no need to try them on- they'll look terrible no matter your leg-length!

What's better that one wacky print on outerwear pajamas? What about seven whole prints. You're welcome, slobs.

~sarah p.

p.s. Again, please don't sue me, Urban Outfitters. I think we can both agree that your pants are terrible.

Monday, January 19, 2015

The Worst Of Urban Outfitters- Footwear Edition:

If aliens landed on my front lawn tomorrow, I would give them two handy pieces of advice prior to sending them off to explore. First, steer clear of that George Zimmerman dude. Secondly, get some shoes on your alien feet, and definitely don't bother trying to get them at Urban Outfitters. Not worth it. The following are some fine examples of UO footwear that you can buy right now on their site, or purchase in-person from underpaid, angry hipsters that ice-grill you while you over-pay for merchandise:

If you have ever thought that the bags that hippies carry their weed in would make great foot-coverings, than these babies can be all yours for just shy of $50.

If disgusting matted felt is more your speed, then say hello to this puke-green number.

It's as if somebody had a pretty great idea for a shoe, then reversed every single one of those ideas. A wedge heel? Okay, great. Let's make it so narrow that falling over isn't optional. A zip top? Who needs one when you can have a western-style 80's elastic top closure instead. And who needs toes on a boot?

Are you concerned that you may forget to wear tube socks with your stilettos? UO's got you covered by attaching the two.

'Funky Aging Cowboy Lesbian' is not a look that is for everyone, but just in case, UO's got your back in a big way. 

And, for those of us who would rather our boots don't have backs on them, here's your answer. So long, foot prisons.

~sarah p.

p.s. Worst Of Urban Outfitters Part 2- coming next week.
p.p.s. Please don't sue me, Urban Outfitters.

Jams Of The Week (Falling For You Edition):

 ~sarah p.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Ginuwinely Excited!

My boyfriend is opening for Ginuwine tonight. The practical side of me is sad that Ginuwine is out there touring at 44 years of age, when his last recognizable single was probably 15 years ago. However, the super horny tenth-grader side of me is so, so excited to see if he's one of those R&B guys that takes off his shirt halfway through the set, JoJo Hailey-style,  or one of those R&B guys that just starts the show naked from the waist up, K-Ci Hailey-style.

~sarah p.

Jams Of The Week (Forever My Lady Edition):

~sarah p.