Saturday, April 12, 2014


The older I get, and the more I think, the more questions I have about childhood playground songs. Like, why did we feel that an Asian man is any more likely to pee-pee in my Coke, or stick his finger up his bum, than any other man? Who the fuck would go to the baseball diamond with earth-shattering diarrhea? Why is it so shocking to everyone that the Joker had the grace and skill to learn ballet? What do the beautiful country of France, and the historic city of London have to do with visible undergarments? Is the more we get together <, >, or = to the happier we'll be? Also, Popeye lived in a house and never in a garbage can, the worst place in the world to make out with someone is sitting in a tree, no one has ever farted somebody "all the way home", and there is no fucking way Jack and Jill celebrated 4/20. We all may have been young at the time, but we were morons for even repeating such idiocy without fact-checking the hell out of that shit.

Here are a few fresh new playground songs with a little more realism for today's kids:

1. Me Chinese, me no joke, me have most powerful and industrious folk. Me so smart, me so great, me take over entire world in 2028.
2. Jingle bells, Batman smells, went to see his MD. Peed in a cup, that's what's up, Robin gave him a VD.
3. I see London, I see France, I see two places that I'll never be able to afford underpants.
4. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, and shattered his frown, and Jill found someone hotter.
5. The moooore foriegn debt we have, debt we have, debt we have, the more foreign debt we have, the greater chance of war.

Real talk, for the nine-and-under set. 

~sarah p.

No comments: