Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Sex, Lies, and Real Estate.

 On Friday, my condo goes up on the market. It's real, it's happening, and I'm finally saying it out loud.
To be honest, I avoided the sale for a while. Last time I moved in with someone, it was a disaster in the purest sense. I was with someone who was not only a poor romantic match for me, but also, despite only being four years old at the time, may have been the inspiration behind the Thompson Twins' 1983 smash hit "Lies". However, after careful deliberation, and a stark realization that, outside and inside our relationship, my current partner is one of the most kind, wise, thoughtful, helpful, and wonderful humans to grace this earth, I snapped on a pair of rubber gloves, started "putting lipstick" on the pig that is my apartment, and called Remax. Here's a quick and dirty guide to getting your house ready for sale:

*Most realtors are akin to used car salesman, except they smell a whole better.

*If you are a pot smoker, be prepared to take your beloved stash on a casual walk every day, because people can, and will, be looking in your cupboards. Also, the smell of weed probably won't help the place show well, unless the potential buyers are super fucking cool.

*You won't be able to cook or prepare meals in your kitchen anymore, for fear of messing up the shiny surfaces, so you'll probably be taking your life in your own hands trying to see what this lobster sandwich at Subway is all about.

*The disgusting, hacking cough that rolls in after days and days of sweeping dust from behind forgotten shelves to get the house ready for showing is going to afford you some extra room on the bus. Enjoy it while it lasts.

*Nights that you used to spend casually lounging around your apartment will temporarily be spent lounging outside your apartment, trying to send subliminal messages to potential buyers to please take this craphole off your hands.

Like the Thompson Twins said back in '83, the true backbone of selling your place is lies, lies, lies. Did the kitchen leak a little during a terrible hail storm a few weeks ago? Helllllll no. Are all of your immediate neighbours noisey, nosy, or lonely alchoholics? No dice. Did you ever catch a homeless dude jacking off in your window? That's a big nope. Point is, with the right smoke and mirrors, a decent realtor, and a life-altering commitment to cleanliness, you are going to eventually sell your home. It may be annoying, but it's totally, totally worth it. Let's do this shit.

~sarah p.

No comments: