Sunday, April 03, 2016

Ten Reasons Action Bronson Is The Worst (That Have Nothing To Do With His Lyrics):

I work with a very-PC group of humans. I say 'humans', because if I needlessly gendered anyone, they'd probably be mad. That means that day in, day out, there are many conversations about oppression, racism, sexism, ageism, and any one of the _phobias. Thus, the big topic at the end of last week was the cancellation of an Action Bronson show on the George Washington University campus due to his song "Consensual Rape", as well as black marks he already had procured with the LGTBQ community. 
I see where they're coming from, but personally disagree with the censorship of artistic material, as well as anything that squelches a person's right for free speech, even if I do not agree with the subject matter. Listen, if every hip hop show got cancelled for offensive lyrics, all we'd be left with is Christian rap, PM Dawn, and Will Smith. Hell, even Common has some mildly misogynistic lyrics. That being said, it's still okay to think that Action Bronson is the worst... I sure do! Here are ten reasons that I think Action Bronson should go away forever:

1. He's an outspoken fan of juicing.
2. He took snaps at Ghostface. Like for a dude that not only sounds like Ghostface, but bit the imagery, the slang, the food references, the metaphors, to the insultingly similar "Bronsolino" to Ghostface's "Ghostdini" nickname, you'd think there's be some sorts of "thanks for getting people used to thick Queen accented-rap" gratitude or something, at least. Maybe even a conscience effort to try your best to create a unique, non-Wu style. Basically, you don't fuck with your forefather... Especially if your forefather is Dennis fucking Coles.
3. He picks and chooses which concerts he hands out weed to the audience. Like, all or none, dude.
4. You know when that report came out last year that said that dudes' beards have poop in them? The first thing I thought of was that revolting mass of red Serb-beard piled right on Action Bronson's chin.
5. His family bought his way into the rap game in 2011, after he got bored of working in his dad's restaurant. He broke his leg working, a year or so after his family-funded stint at the Art Institute of New York, and was like "Daaaaaaaaaad. I don't want to be a highly-trained chef anymore. Too dangerous. Get me a rap career instead".
6. He's got Vice's dick so far up his ass he can no longer sit down. I mean, I like Vice. I think they've got some good news stories, and quirky general interest pieces, and I get that they've bankrolled the last few of his releases, but when did watching a man smoke blunt after blunt while wandering, dapping other fat dudes and inhaling meals, negate as entertainment? Also, if there's a Vice show like that, it better be hosted by the incomparable Eddie Huang.
7. He looks like if you touched him, he would be sticky.
8. Dude is the king of saying stupid shit to the wrong people, then backtracking... If you're going to be a dick, own that shit. The trans-phobic incident, the "consensual rape" incident, the aforementioned Ghostface incident. Come on guy. There's only so many more Facebook apology open-letters you can write. Either come to terms with your own insensitivity, or shut your fucking mouth.
9. Hipsters and college kids speak about him like he's the second coming of Christ, without acknowledging that there's no way the entire hipster rap genre as a whole has about five years left on it's shelf-life, TOPS. These demographics love the guy because they're way too intimidated to go to rap shows where black people go, and there's no way in hell that Ghostface is going to let you have a drag off his joint or pose for a picture with you for your Instagram.
10. This one hurts the most. As a huge sample-nerd, and someone who understands and respects the deep care that someone like J Dilla or MF Doom put into sampling, here are Action Bronson's thoughts on the subject: "We listen to a lot of music and just brainstorm. Like, 'Yeah this will be crazy to rhyme on alright lets loop it up.' Boom there’s a rap song. That’s how it goes, you can’t put too much thought into it." 
Also, there is another part in this same interview where he farts, so there's that, too.


Jonathan Rosado said...

your blog about action bronson is very detailed and it was funny

~sarah p. said...

Thank you so much! I'm passionate on the subject FOR SURE.