Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The Holiday Candy Hierarchy (It Exists).

Maybe you guys didn't know this, but in terms of holiday candy, there is a simple and rigid hierarchy that has existed since the dawn of time. Basically, to break it down in simple terms, there are amazing candies that only come out during certain holidays, and some are better than others.
What makes me an authority on the subject? All recent confusing and magical weight-losses aside, I used to be pretty fucking chunky. It's a well-know fact that the more blubber you possess, the more you know about stuffing sugar in your fat hole. I became a fine critic in the art of novelty candy, and would wait patiently for the shelves of the Sever to fill up with new and exciting shit. You know what? I'm still not very thin, so I'm still totally excited about the influx of choco-eggs on the shelves right now.
Anyway, the main four holidays involved in the hierarchy, in order of importance (worst to best) are:

4. Valentine's Day.
Basically a bullshit holiday to begin with, the majority of Valentine's treats involve cheap chocolate or chalky hearts with no discernible flavor. You know, the ones that have witty banter stamped on them (this year, some of the hearts had rad sayings like "FAX ME", which was great, because I always fax dudes my true feelings, and "NICE BOY", which is a shame, because I really don't like nice boys that much).

3. Christmas.
Christmas candies are full of nuts (the tree kind, not the good kind, if you get my drift). I don't know why, but my life is full of the greatest people that will swell up like Oprah's feet in the summer if they ingest nuts. Maybe the world is trying to tell us something? Nuts are boring and not that tasty. Except for almonds, which I think are actually a legume anyway.... Google it and get back to me.
Also, any time anyone releases a Christmas version of their regular product, they just color everything green and red and call it a day. Kudos to their marketing departments for kicking back and enjoying the holidays, but I've got standards, you know. Seriously.

2. Halloween.
This is when shit starts to get good. The point of releasing a Halloween-based candy is to sick everybody out by using lots of fake blood (usually strawberry-flavored and fantastic) and spiders and bones and bats. In order to counteract all of the disgusting nonsense, candy companies usually have to ensure that all products are fucking mouthwatering. Also, you wouldn't think that small little versions of chocolate bars would be enjoyable, but they're not kidding when they call that shit "fun size".

1. Easter.
In terms of novelty holiday candy, Easter is the clear winner. I could sit here all day and rattle off general statements, but instead, I want to single out some stand-up examples of this year's crop.

*Popping Mini-Eggs.
Okay, you know how regular mini eggs are so fabulous that you'd sell your soul and your first-born child to score some in mid-July? Well, Popping Mini-Eggs are just like that, except when you put them in your mouth, they also punch you in the face. Trust me, they're essentially the best thing ever.

*Creme Eggs.
These classic eggs always seem to disappear quicker after Easter than anything, meaning that you have to comb the most decrepit Korean grocery stores after April like a squinty-eyed crackhead digging in the couch cushions for one last rock. One time when I was a kid, we had a poodle that ate an entire package of these. My mom was sooo mad, but how could you blame the guy?

*Peeps.
This one time when I was down south, somebody told me that Peeps were only good if they were stale. Not being a huge fan of the sugar-coated marshmallows to begin with, I called bullshit and forgot about the conversation for quite a while. Then one day, I received a package as a gift. I ate a single Peep, and left the rest of the package to rot in the cupboard. A few months later, I was on a bit of a binge (why was I fat again?) and I ran across the package. You know what? My southern friend was 100% right. In the past few years, I've even been able to find chocolate peeps and peeps with sprinkles (holy fuck).
Since then, I've learned to never, ever doubt a southern man when he's talking about food.

*Chocolate and Vanilla egg.
I can't remember where I found these eggs, so I can't even tell you what brand they are, but if you come across chocolate eggs filled with vanilla and chocolate, do not hesitate. You will spend the next few days in some sort of sugar coma, not unlike your average k-hole, but it's totally worth it. Trust me.


Anyway, I don't know how I'm supposed to keep this weight off with all of these amazing candy releases, so expect me to balloon back up to jolly-Sarah ASAP. Have a rad Easter, guys.

~sarah p.

p.s. Did you guys know that Easter is actually about death and church and not about long weekends and sugar? Neither did I...... Let's keep it that way.

p.p.s. I know this is way off topic, but how rad has the weather been lately? The only two topics of conversation that I've brought up to anyone all week are as follows:
(a) Summer is so rad, isn't it?
(b) This summer is going to be so much fun.
I found out I have an outdoor pool like three blocks from my house, and I couldn't be any more jazzed. Last summer was great and everything, but I spent all of my time wandering around like an aimless asshole when I should have been taking my beers in a to-go cup and soaking up the rays in a chlorinated wonderland. To reiterate, this summer is going to be the most fun ever... It's set in stone.

4 comments:

Kittens White said...

Holy shit, I fucking love PEEPS so much. They're the only reason to ever go into Zellers.

-Sarah Ford

Ron said...

Hilarious post. And accurate.

Crystal Fodor said...

FYI!!

Almond's are actually Fruit.

melony bronder said...

The only way this post could be better is if you said you were super stoked for your summer because you were spending it in BOSTON with your favorite mel.