Friday, June 25, 2010

A letter to my 16-year-old self:

Hey little lady,

I am writing this from the not-too-distant future... 2010, a place where nobody even uses Discmans anymore! Do you realize that we are now able to jump and listen to personal music players at the same time? Listening to Kris Kross is so easy for you now, you wouldn't even believe it.

Holy fuck. I'm not going to ruin the surprise, and spill the beans on your entire life story, but let me tell you: shit goes down. Sooo many times.
Listen, kiddo, I just want to give you a few words of advice... You don't want to have to learn this shit the hard way again:

*There are easier and smarter ways to do the following: buying booze, earning money, having a good time, getting decent grades, making rad friends. You are currently doing none of the preceding correctly. You fucking hate babysitting, and pretty soon Carly's older brother is going to college, and nobody is going to be around to score you bottles of Baby Duck. Better figure something out.
*If a guy shows up at your house, and a flavored condom falls out of his pocket, that guy is trying to get you pregnant.
*Please reconsider your "16-yr-old minimalist" phase, because there are albums and cassettes that, in your late twenties, you will wish you didn't sell in a milk crate at your mom's yard sale (for a very minimal profit).
*You should maybe learn to drive while you still have the balls.
*Don't let your cynical nature keep you from enjoying what is good. Don't sleep on the following for so long: Lil Wayne, vintage shoes, eyebrow pencils, and the joys of home ownership.
*If you totally hate your job, just fucking quit. Update your resume, and go get a new job. It is actually that easy.
*I know it sounds corny as hell, but be nicer to your sister.
*Remember when you drank bottled Singapore Slings and Powerade and rye, and you woke up feeling like you might die? Gin and soda sounds horrible, I know. It's more tolerable than you would think, and reduces hangovers by at least 40% (rough estimate). Also, it's going take you another twelve years to figure out that an occasional glass of water will make you feel even better. Sorry, 16-year-old liver.
*You should be more cautious about: traveling alone in foreign countries before the age of eighteen, knowing how much weed costs before trying to buy weed, "dressing your size", and significantly older men.
*Please try to understand what it means if you start dating a guy, and people give you that raised-eyebrows, "warning eyes" look when they find out.
*You know how sometimes, when it's hot, you go out for ice cream in the summer? Pretty soon, you'll be going for gelato instead.

Anyway, say hi to 1998 for me! 'Still Not A Player'- great track, right? Wait until you hear 'You Got Me' and Armand Van Helden for the first time next year... You're going to go nuts.

~sarah p. (age 28.5)

p.s. New blog, you guys! All of my favorite Youtube tracks, in a convenient format.

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