Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Back Pages.

Each month, our copy of XXL ('Hip Hop on a Higher Level') shows up in our mailbox. It's a great 'family magazine' for our house. I enjoy reading articles on Drake's close relationship with his mom and play-by-play rundowns of Soulja Boy's twitter beefs, and Dylan likes to stare at the pages and pages of plump video-ho asses.
The best part, however, are the ads in the back. Between endorsements for gay chat-lines (thugs need hugs, too), 'male enhancement tablets', technical schools, and off-brand sneakers are ads such as these:
Now, I'm no marketing genius, but I can see XXL's advertising strategy from way over here: know thy reader.
You, the average XXL subscriber, flip to the back of the magazine just as the blunt starts to burn your fingers. While sunken into the couch, with squinty, red eyes you read: 'Is your music being leaked?' (it could be), and 'Is someone talking badly about you on a blog?' (probably). Fuck. Now you're all paranoid, clearing the smoke by doing that little 'hand-fan' motion, drawing the curtains and locking the door. You were going to go get some Cool Ranch Doritos, but fuck it- you're being watched. You think about calling someone, but are now suspecting that your homeboy might be a snitch, and your girl or man may be cheating on you. Also, the phone is probably tapped.
Better getin touch with 'Hacker for Hire'. Problem solved. XXL banks five cents a sale. More money to pay Nicki Minaj to take her pants off and pose with a pouty face into the camera. Ching ching. Everybody wins.

The ad below 'Hacker for Hire' is called 'Spoofem.com', and the grammar alone is delightful:
*Call any number you want and have any number show up on a persons caller ID.
*Send Text messages and Emails to make it look like it came from someone else.
*Wire Tap- Do you need to tape your own telephone line to record telephone calls.
How sweet it would be if I could make 'untraceable phone calls that CAN'T be traced', and could 'change my voice to sound like a male or a female'. I would make all kinds of joke phone calls. Perhaps I could change my voice to sound like Martin Lawrence circa 1993 (damn, Gina!).
I could call up my buddies at 1-800-FLOWERS to send a great big surprise box to Sinbad's house, filled with fifty bouquets of sunny daisies (and a full-grown Siberian tiger), paid for by Martin Lawrence's MasterCard, circa 2010. I would just tell them to 'charge it to my account'... You know that Martin Lawrence has had to use the old 'floral hush' technique before ('roses keep mouths closed')... He probably has those guys on speed-dial for those 'sick of the bullshit, gonna call your wife' emergencies that spring up on movie sets now and again.
Anyway- cute prank, right?XXL, subscription renewed.

~sarah p.

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