Monday, June 04, 2012

Five Things I Have Learned From The Maury Show.

1. Just take a shower.
If you find yourself messing around with a chick that has bathed herself in Electric Youth, remember to take a shower before you go home to your wife. Use some soap. Don't go home smelling like "sex and condoms" (direct quote from the show). Also, please re-consider sleeping with someone who actively wears teen perfume from the 80's.

2. Don't let Maury do your dirty work for you.

We've all had to give someone some bad news. It's rarely going to be an enjoyable experience. That being said, do you really want to hand the task over to a middle-aged TV personality that has taken an unusually keen interest in publicizing the infidelities of lower-class Americans? Do you really want to give Maury the satisfaction of emphasizing the 'NOT' part of "You are not the father"?

3. Just say no.
If someone calls you from the Maury show, and offers you a free ticket to Stamford, Connecticut, just say no. You don't have to go. Nobody is forcing you. Don't kid yourself: Stamford is no place to take a vacation, unless you like bodegas, prepsters, and empty lots.
Also, this would be a grand time to start pointing fingers at your loved ones. Is your baby a shade of mocha that does not run in your (very Caucasian) family? Mystery solved. No TV appearance needed.

4. Maury ain't havin' it.
Nobody ever gets in a punch on the Maury show. Go ahead, try to knock the face off of your wife's lover. You'll have six burly dudes in khaki pants and collared shirts piling on top of you on national TV, which is probably the worst way to assert your manliness in the whole wide world.

6. Sexy decoys will seldom decoy the wise.
First of all, the sexy decoys are almost never considered 'sexy' in the non-Maury world. However, time and time again, while waiting in the green room, minutes away from proving their supposed innocence to their partners and the world, these fellas will take the bait, and prove their stupidity to the world instead. Self-awareness is key in these situations. It is my understanding that the majority of the male population is fully conscious of when their dick is hanging out of their pants; the minority are the gentlemen that end up on the Maury show.

~sarah p.


marco said...

it all seems so self-evident, yet somehow...

~sarah p. said...

Somebody's got to keep Maury making quality TV...