Wednesday, August 06, 2014

Mature Advice For Young Club-Going Females.

My recent exploits have found me head-over-heels for a DJ. This means a lot of late nights at a lot of venues that I haven't frequented in years. I wasn't sure how I'd fit back in to the nightlife culture at 32 years old, but honestly, I couldn't be having a better time right now. I spend half of the time eye-fucking my boyfriend on stage, and the other half dishing out life advice to young bar-stars. You see, I was once quite the party-goer myself (see years 1-7 on this blog). I really enjoy sharing no-bullshit advice with my predecessors. Here are some grown-ass women observations for all of my non-grown-ass counterparts:

1. Girls are wasting booze and cocaine in this city with reckless abandon. Every other bathroom stall is lined with half-drank cocktails, and dusts of yayo on top of the toilet paper dispenser. I know this city is crawling with money, but finish what you started, people.

2. If you're not 100% sure you've gotten the hang of it, practice dancing in front of the mirror before you leave the house. Videotape yourself if you need to, until your moves won't embarrass you in front of others. Music has gotten progressively harder to dance to over the years, to the point where bitches are putting off real Elaine Benes vibes all over the floor. It's painful to watch, and totally preventable.

3. You might not be good at outfits yet, young buck, but give it ten years. Short and tight and revealing is actually a fucking great look, but it's the right kind of short and tight and revealing. You have to go through years of looking like a cross between an over-stuffed sausage and a kid that got into mommy's closet before you get that shit on point. Pay your dues, and one day you will look fresh without much effort.

4. Nobody cares anymore if you have a boyfriend. When a guy is giving a chick a lot of unwanted attention, the first instinct is to shut him down by telling him you are taken, but that shit doesn't fly anymore. It's too played. It might have worked back in my day, but modern relationships are all so up in the air anyway that nobody gives a fuck. It's so much easier to just shut a guy down by telling him his breath stinks or you have to go deal with "period stuff".

5. Approximately 89% of female bathroom chatter is "Should I go home with him?", and honestly, the answer is "probably". The only reason why any girl farms this question out to the masses is to make it seem like she's actually contemplating saying no, but usually your mind is already made up. There are upstanding circumstances, like if you are too drunk to stand, there is an obvious butcher knife sticking out of his back pocket, or he is already your ex, but otherwise, shrink-wrap the hell out of anything you bang, and live a little.

The rest of my advice is simple: be nice and polite to everyone (bartenders, DJs, door-people, everyone), don't get jealous of other girls, don't get in fights, don't cry, and if you can no longer walk in your heels, get your ass home.

~sarah p.

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