Monday, April 06, 2015

A Few Notes On Personal Care:

*Giving Reggie a bath is the only time that I leave the bathtub significantly filthier than when I climbed in.

*If I spent half as much time on foreign policy as I do trying to keep the zits from taking control of my entire face, I would have hammered out the finer details of world peace ages ago.

*It's allergy season, which means that the old "Benadryl and Whiskey Sour" cocktail will lend itself to at least a few apology e-mails in the near future. Also, you're welcome, Kleenex industry.

* I've never won a trophy in my life, but if picking off old nail-polish in the bath was an Olympic sport, you can be damn sure my shelves would be packed full of them.

*I would never make out with a dude that colored his beard, because it's suspiciously like making out with an upside down troll doll.

*When are we, as a society, going to re-hash our ideas on what is attractive? Like, I think we should see a girl with yellowing teeth and a bit of a belly, and think to ourselves "Dannnng, that bitch probably knows how to party". 

*If I could just figure out how to eat , sleep in, and work from my bathtub, I would be the pruniest motherfucker in the game. 

*According to commercials, I have about a year left before I start peeing involuntary on a regular basis, so I may as well really try to enjoy the dry pants while they last.

*We have cars that park their-damn-selves nowadays, but still haven't figured out a foolproof way to get eyeliner straight? Priorities, people. 

*Here's a hot tip: don't ever buy yourself red soap, unless you want to think you're bleeding out of your ass at least once a shower.

~sarah p.

No comments: