Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Go Flames, Um, Go? Or Don't. I Don't Care.

I was living a province away last time The Flames were in the playoffs. I distinctly remember reading a newspaper article in the Vancouver Sun about how the downtown high school couldn't use their sports field due to the fact that it was far too saturated in human urine to be considered safe to play. A phone call to my sister confirmed it all; with all of the drunken debauchery and next-level fandom, shit had gotten a wee bit cray in this city since we entered the finals.

Fast forward 11 years, and each morning when I walk out my door to allow Reggie to water all of the local trees for half an hour, I am greeted with a sea of red jerseys. It's a shame that, in 2015,  we have the ability to 3-D print just about everything in the world, and have yet to figure out how to make a jersey flattering on anyone. I suppose I should be excited. I love this city. However, I'm also a salty old broad with exactly zero competitive spirit.

I haven't ever been on a sports team. I don't watch sports. I worry about how the other team must feel when they lose. Probably terrible. I wonder why we can't just all agree that everyone worked really hard, and then go for ice cream together? Sorbeto for those team members that are lactose-intolerant.

I wonder to myself: is it all just an excuse to get wastey on a Tuesday? According to my 9PM walks with Reg, the answer is yes. If you live where I live, you don't even need to watch the news or any sort of sports highlights to know how we played. You can just listen to people screaming off of their balcony. It's either "wooooo", or "booooo". If we lose, girls will still flash their tits, but maybe with a sadder demeanor while they do it.

I guess my biggest question for Flames fans is why everything's got to be so personal. If the Flames lose, people act like the team purposely ate a giant steak dinner right before the game, took a bunch of LSD, and spent all of their ice-time listening to Vinyl Cafe podcasts through tiny invisible headphones just to piss everyone off. The team didn't get together and decide that they really hadn't disappointed their fans enough this season. Nope. Pretty sure they still tried really hard to win.

It's a lonely time to not be a sports fan. I desperately look forward to the day that awkward small-talk with semi-strangers goes back to making sassy quips about the weather. I am excited for the day this can all be over, Stanley Cup or no Stanley Cup. Also, can everyone just stay off of Western Canada High's field this time, and just start peeing on those "Vote For The Wild Rose Party" signs instead?

~sarah p.

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