Monday, May 11, 2015

A Small List Of Things That Make Me A Terrible Calgarian:

1. I was super jazzed when The Flames got booted out of the playoffs last night. No more puke-lined sidewalks. No more cars with Flames flags driving up and down the street laying on the horn. No more using a hockey team as an excuse to sexually harass. And hockey? That's winter shit anyway. It's almost summer, bitches. This brings me to my next point:

2. I hate winter so fucking much. It snowed this morning,  and I seriously considered calling in sick to work so that I didn't have to leave the house. Instead of moving to a warmer climate, like anyone with a brain would do, I have decided to stew in anger for eight months of the year. I've always said that my hatred of the frost makes me love summer so much more, but that could just be a weird theory. I have a lot of those.

3. Nenshi? Meh. Sure, he's a super entertaining and likeable dude (and pretty adorable, like a big brown teddy bear), but city mayors have very little power over what happens. A sassy Twitter and a ride on a Pride float do not mean that you actually run the show around here. Plus, like all preceding mayors, he coddles the upper and upper-middle class folks. The Cycle Track Network seems like a great idea, but the reality is: people that can afford to own and maintain a cycle also have the functional ability to get to and from work by just riding down the street. After years and years of working with low-income families with huge financial barriers to getting around the city, I approached the mayor's office, presented them with the numbers I had crunched and a plan to offer all low-income folks the choice of a free bike for life (with repairs!) or a bus pass for the year; a plan that would actually leave the city with a transportation budget to spare. I was told that they need for dudes that wear spandex with padded butts was far greater than those of families that don't have bus fare to get to a doctor's appointment. In my mind, a mayor is a mayor is a mayor, with our precious Nensh' included. 

4. The Stampede. Lawwwwwd help me. There is not a more awful week on this planet. I guess it would be cool if it's your "thing" to get tanked on awful beer that you had to wait in line for an hour to get, all while a chubby mom in a tied-off gingham shirt and straw Cowboy hat tries to grab the asses of dudes in Wranglers (side note- dudes in Wranglers: is there anything worse?) while simultaneously screaming "Yahooooo" in your ear with wicked whiskey-breath. All of this "fun" will cost you a bare minimum of $300 in a single afternoon, and some people go every. fucking. day.

5. I firmly believe that Peter's Drive-In milkshakes are nothing special. Milk and ice cream and syrup are the same no matter where it comes from. Sorry.

 ~sarah p.

p.s. For the record, I love this city. My family is here, the Glenbow is a great museum, the zoo is kind-of a rockin' time, 17th Ave is a fabulous place to watch mentally ill folks, it's nice to be able to see the mountains, and it's still semi-affordable. Also, there is a candy store here that knows me by first name, and that is really fucking amazing.

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