Sunday, May 31, 2015

Clubs: Hipster Vs Urban.

1. Entering into the club:

Hipster: You pay your entrance fee, though I'm pretty sure everyone and their grandma is on "the list",  and they might half-ass flashlight through one of the pockets in your bag if it's a night that's playing rap.

Urban: Get ready to have every pocket of your bag, plus any fold of skin on your body, aggressively fondled by a large female security guard. The few joints in the back of your bag are going to elicit no attention, but they are quick to ask a lot of questions about anything that might be able to be used as a weapon.

2. Drugs:

Hipster: There will only be three stalls at any hipster club you attend, and the line to get into these stalls will be a million miles long. Under the doors of each stall will be at least three pairs of feet. The gaggle of sniffling, coked-up girls will eventually come out, and tell you that they like your outfit, want to know what color of lipstick you are wearing, and that you look like someone they know but they can't remember who. Also, no matter what pair of shoes you're wearing, they will LOVE them.

Urban: At about 11:30PM, the air will be so thick with weed smoke you won't be able to see for a few feet in front of you. The DJ will simultaneously play songs about weed and shout "where are my weed smokers at?", all while politely announcing to please stop smoking weed in the club.

3. Pickup lines:

Hipster: "Um, excuse me, miss, but could I, um, buy you an overpriced cheap beer, if you are okay with that, and maybe try to dance with you later?"

Urban: "Biiiiiiiitch, you look fly as hell. I can take you home now, or I can take you home later. Oh, you got a man? Don't. Care."

4. Outfits:

Hipster: Dudes- beards, flannel, and Vans. Ladies- Birkenstocks (seriously y'all, WTF), black, and more black. Both require transport to and from the club in a older-looking bike that cost them significantly too much money.

Urban: Dudes- Did you bring your sunglasses to wear inside? That's basically the uniform. Also, if you have a chain that spells out your name? Good. The gaudier, the better. Ladies- Did you wear a bra tonight? Are your shorts cut at a respectable length? Then consider yourself overdressed.

5. Dance floor:

Hipster: Will mainly be empty until at least midnight, save for a few nineteen-year-olds that drank a whole bottle of wine before stepping foot inside the club, but will fill up relative to the amount/speed that cocaine is consumed. There will be a ton of awkward shaky-dances and sloppy attempts to round up a partner before the night is through. Got game? Got moves? Get your ass out of the hipster club. You do not belong here.

Urban: Everyone will be getting. the. fuck. down by about 11PM, even the pregnant chicks and the ones older than your mom. After 1AM, there won't be an azz in the place that isn't violently jiggling in one direction or another. There will be many songs with very specific dances that seem way to complicated to try and maneuver in an intoxicated state, but with very little choice, you will need to learn and participate in. If you have any class, or are a self-conscious individual, this may not be the dance floor for you. 

~sarah p.

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