A definitive guide to the best Valentine's gifts ever.

Really, more than anything, I'm here to look out for you guys. This means that while you're sitting around, scratching your head, trying to figure out what to buy for your significant other for Valentine's Day, I'm over here busting my singleton ass to help you out. Sure, you could buy flowers, but those die quickly, and are honestly pretty corny. Of course, you could go and buy a crapload of chocolate, but that's going to push your mate past their prime quicker than a steak in the sun.

After careful consideration, I've come up with the best gifts... Nay, the ONLY gifts, you will ever need to give on Valentine's Day.

1. A beat-boxing robot.

Let's say you're a busy fella... Maybe you travel a lot, or have a stressful job. Meanwhile, your lady-friend is sitting at home, bored and lonely. The best solution to this problem, obviously, is a beat-boxing robot. How could she ever be lonely when there's a robot there to back her while she raps along to 'The Fat Boys Are Back'? See what I'm saying?

2. One of these dancefloors:

Yes, you could take your girlfriend dancing, and it would probably be fun. However, do you know what would be more fun? Buying her a light-up dancefloor so you can have dance-parties all the time.... It's a proven fact that couples that dance together, particularly to obscure remixes and time-tested classics, stay together. If you don't have the room in your house, you could just put the floor in the kitchen or the bathroom or something.

3. Just take her out to Pizza Hut.

It doesn't take a genius to know that everyone in the world loves Pizza Hut. Ordering it is a pretty half-assed effort, so it's super important too hunt down one of the elusive sit-sown places.... Fun city. Don't hesitate to shell out for the sundae bar either, tiger.


Well, I guess that's all you really need to know. I don't really expect for anyone to actually purchase any of these gifts for myself, but if you see me around today, just remind me that you don't hate me.... That's all I need. Thanks.

~sarah p.

p.s. It used to piss me off when I would hear full-blown adults saying "Valentimes's Day", but now I just find it heart-warming.