Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Top Ten Hot Tips For Summer 2011!

It's no secret: summer is my favorite time of year. Probably my favorite thing in the world. As a matter of fact, I hate every other season (so much!). I should probably try to move to Jamaica or somewhere else hot, but (1) Canada's unbeatable health care system, and (2) it really ups my chances of getting raped. So, instead, I spend each and every day without sunshine counting down the days until it's time to pull out the coconut oil and start the building the perfect tan. It's my twenty-ninth summer on the planet, and this one is special because I'm pretty positive it's the last year that I'm allowed to wear two-piece bathing suits. My friends in their thirties have assured me that it's all downhill from here. Better enjoy it while it lasts. Good news is, I've had a whole twenty-nine years to figure out this whole "summer fun" thing. Here's a few pointers for summer 2011 (coming soon!):

10. Gentlemen: unless you've got your deodorant game on straight lockdown, leave the athletic grey t-shirts for the other ten months of the year. Uncontrollable sweat-stains will not award you any summer lovin'. Try a linen blazer instead, it could be the hottest day of the year, and there you'd be, cool and fresh and crisp. Not a drop of sweat. So long as you kept your deodorant game locked in tight. I told you keep an eye on that, already.... Next!

9.If you're anything like me, and miss out on 99% of the nice days due to steady employment, you have to do your best to maximize your sun exposure. Skin cancer? Blah, blah, blah. It's a fact: a tan makes you look thinner, healthier, and significantly less Caucasian. Quit whining, grease yourself up anytime the temperature is over 21C, and get out in the yard, why don't you. Leave the sunscreen at home. That is, unless you work outside. In that case, unless you like the leather-faced, Crocodile Dundee look, cover that shit up.

8.Ladies. Maximize your wardrobe. Cut all of your terrible old winter shirts into crop-tops. Don't think about it! Go get your scissors! Do it now, thank me later. Or don't... If you didn't cut them the right way.

7.Don't even try to fight with the dandelions in your yard. For the first couple of years that we owned our place, I would come home from a ten hour day and spend two hours trying to rip those little bastards out by the roots (which, by the way, are standardly the size of my arm, no matter how small the flower), and I was doing it unpaid. Then, one day, I just gave up the fight. I finally realized that, hey, I don't own these dandelions, they own me. Also, dandelion spray is like $20 a bottle, and as a bonus, also kills ants (and everything else in the yard!).

6.Stop cooking inside, stupid! It's summer! Turn on your BBQ! The best part about barbecuing anything is that you don't have to worry about doing as many dishes, because you can just get throw anything into a bunch of tinfoil, and you're good to go. What's that? Excessive tinfoil use is bad for the environment? We'll discuss it during the great tinfoil shortage of 2046. Until then, tinfoil! Hell, yeah.

5.You are never too manly, or too heterosexual, to drink a white wine spritzer. People always cruise into autumn all bloated and chunky, because they've just spent two months slamming the brewskis. When I see a dude at a summer party walking around with a dainty wine glass, or a clear cocktail in hand, I always secretly applaud his commitment to keeping his bathing suit body.

4.The unisex footwear choice for summer is a clean, tidy white canvas sneaker. Just make sure you know your way around a bottle of bleach, and steer clear from large fields of grass and muddy alleyways. A dirty white sneaker is a clear sign of defeat.

3.The correct hours to go to the outdoor pool are 10AM-1PM. Anytime after, and you're stuck sharing the water with young Asian boys that wear (very thin) underpants as bathing suits, and families that bring along their fourteen kids to take advantage of the "family discount" at the front desk. Let me break it to you this way: urine city.

2.It is 100% okay to smell of coconuts 100% of the time. As a matter of fact, it is often favored to the stale cigarette, cheap beer, and sweat smell that tends to get a jillion times stronger when it's warm. Oh! And you shouldn't smoke very much, but it is okay if you are by a campfire, or you can have one cigarette (and only one) if it's really hot and you're at the beach or walking from one bar to another. Just bring gum. Preferably coconut gum.

1.Although not well supported by the nutritionist community, it is a true fact that the four food groups in the summer switch from meat and meat alternatives, dairy, fruits and vegetables, and grains, to Slurpees and Slurpee alternatives, watermelon, steaks and burgers, and popsicles. Try to eat at least two servings of each a day!

Summer 2011- can't wait!

~sarah p.

p.s. Coming this August: Toronto, and a jaunt out to cottage country. By myself.

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