Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Bigfoot: Totally Real and In Your Face.

I always though that I was the mailman's kid or something. I don't think I've ever looked like I actually belonged in my family.
My mom danced around the subject for years until a few years ago, when the truth finally came out: I was a Sasquatch.
It started as a family joke, apparently my mom found me behind the recycling bins at the swimming pool. My real parents had abandoned me, mainly due to my tiny feet and hairless body. My mother, being a real go-getter, decided to take me on as her first child. My mom always tells the story to family members and everyone laughs and laughs, and I used to laugh too, but after Sunday afternoon, I'm not sure what to believe.

During the whole moving process this weekend, I had a couple of days stuck in limbo between House A and House B. Luckily, my mom and stepdad (who fed me about seven different kinds of meat over the two days that I stayed there) were kind enough to offer me a bed to sleep in, and a driveway to store my U-Haul. I did my very best to be a good little house-guest, and when someone changed the channel on the TV, I didn't complain.

Sunday afternoon, while waiting for my new landlord to get his act together, my stepdad switched the channel to CTV. My usual Sunday afternoon channel is (obviously) MTV, but I wasn't about to complain. Lo and behold, CTV was playing a documentary. The show started with a wide-angle shot of Northern Manitoba, and then zoomed into something that seemed way too familiar to me..... A blurry, shaky blob in the middle of the screen. I was drawn to this blob like crackheads to a payphone. Could this be my real family? Perhaps a cousin or an uncle?

There have been times where I have had mild urges to eat large amounts of raw red meat. I always though this was probably due to an iron deficiency, and I've ignored the urges (mostly because of a mild fear of tapeworms), but maybe my body is trying to tell me something. I'm also a big fan of wandering around in the woods.

Anyway, back to the documentary. Apparently, this guy who was a ferry operator in Northern Manitoba came out of an outhouse one day, and across the river, he saw this huge hairy creature. He ran and got his video camera, which is, of course, mandatory equipment for any Northern ferry operator. The creature was still there, and the ferry operator leaned against the outhouse to try and get a decent shot. It was windy that day, and the guy was pretty nervous, so he had a rough time keeping himself steady. When the creature turned to look at him, he turned off the camera because he got scared (it's common knowledge that Sasquatches can swim like motherfuckers).

A few weeks later, A Current Affair (aka- the world's most credible news source) picked up the story, and sent one of the chicks from The Runaways (not even joking) and some guy in a hardhat up to Manitoba to get a closer look. Unfortunately, the trip was uneventful, and the ferry operator looked like a fool to the Bigfoot research community. The last few minutes of the program were all about how a bunch of people started cashing in on the Bigfoot sighting (Sasquatch burgers? fuck yeah), and how the ferry operator was super depressed now. It wasn't the best documentary in the world, but it really made me think about getting back to my roots.

Do Sasquaches really exist? There's a depressed guy in Northern Manitoba that sure thinks so. I think the chick from The Runaways wants to believe, too. As for me, I may never know the truth. Being a Bigfoot isn't my first choice in life, but at least I'm not a Frankenstein.... That would suck balls.

~sarah p.

p.s. Sorry guys, I'm still in moving-mode, and hope to have both blogs back up and running (and making a lot more sense) within the next day or so.

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