Friday, March 23, 2007

The complete guide to the anti-douche.

It's a common misconception that not being a douche is easy. You know... Be a nice guy, watch out for your female friends, don't come on too strong....
This just isn't the case. It's obviously a lot harder than it looks for Calgary guys.
There comes a time in every man's life where he must make the decision on whether or not he wants to put gel in his hair on a regular basis, wear squared-toed dress sneakers, brag about his cash-flow, get angry for no reason, and spend his evenings trying to grind on every girl he sees. Unfortunately, most of the guys in Calgary didn't get the memo..... Doing any one, or a combination, of these things makes you a douche.

All personality traits aside, the way you dress says a lot about you. There are certain things you can wear that scream out to the world: "I am a really rad guy, and I'm not going to even try date-rape you, not even once".

Let's start with accessories:
The truth is, sometimes accessories do make the outfit, but you've got to be careful. Gold is nice, but douches can wear gold too. This means you've got to get creative. If you're rocking gold brass-knuckle lace locks, you're not a violent guy, you just want your kicks to look serious, and there's nothing wrong with that. The same goes for nice flamboyant scarves and doofy glasses (but only if you actually need glasses).

You have two choices for shoes. You can either hook yourself up with some rare or nostalgic kicks, or you can wear something that is 100% non-threatening, like these modest blue canvas mids. Everyone will love you for it, and you didn't even have to set foot in Aldo to get them. Suede and loafers can be a grey area, but when they're done properly... Oh, man.

Sweaters and coats:
Cosby sweaters give you insta-good-guy status. I used to think that Cosby sweaters only came from thrift stores, where guys would buy them for very cheap, but this one time I was drunkenly stumbling though Victoria's Empress Hotel, and I took a peek at the pricetag on a new one. Did you know that dudes can drop three c-notes on one of these when they're unused? It's like rocking a Gucci bag without a logo on it. Wearing one of these makes you totally high-end without being a prick about it.
p.s. Logos are totally okay if you're careful.
p.p.s. Other things that give you insta-good-guy status? Silk, baseball, or Members Only jackets.

Any pants are okay, so long as they don't have any hint of flare to them whatsoever. Put a flare on any pants, and you've just crossed the line, partner.

Shirts are all about being kind-of hilarious, even if you're the only one that gets it. You can either go the ironic/vintage/goofy route, or you can get cheeky, like this all-over-print hoodie all-over-print hoodie. It's also okay to go high-end, so long as you're repping the right company.

Like I've said before, if you're careful with your labels, you're okay. For example, this shirt is a rad throwback to Yo! MTV Raps. Wearing this shirt symbolizes that you were probably awesome enough to learn the words to some really amazing songs, like something by the Fat Boys or Young MC, and that you know the difference between the Dr Dre that hung out with Ed Lover, and the Dr Dre that was in NWA. Good people will applaud you for it.

In terms of personality, it's simple, really: don't put your hands all over girls, have some solid dance-moves that can be pulled out either solo or in a group (although there are exceptions to every rule, couples dancing is, on the whole, not cool), know a little bit about something before you start talking about it, don't ever mention anything about how much money you make (unless you're making a joke about how poor you are, which is endearing), don't get mad or violent unless it's 100% necessary, know how to take hints, and how to stop yourself when enough is enough.

Well, I think we're all set... Fly away, little birds. No more vinegar and water up in here (please). This city's getting fucking ridiculous.

~sarah p.

No comments: