Thursday, January 27, 2005

True Stories of a Liquor Store Employee...

Thought I'd tell a few amusing tales today. I tried to tell one last night, but was a bit tipsy, as the rep from Soho liqueur came in and gave us way too many samples. Lots of crazy stuff happens at CSN. Without further ado:


The girls at work are really into this guy. I forget his real name, but the girls call him DILF. Everyone knows what a MILF is...Well, this is the same deal (however, I find this guy abnormally disgusting, so the whole "ILF" part of that equation doesn't quite apply to me). The rest of the girls at work (except for Melanie, who is much smarter than that) are crazy about this guy. He manages a well-known female band in town (not a good band, in my opinion, but a band nonetheless).

Anyway, last week, the girls invited DILF out for my birthday. We all arrived at the bar at about 10:30Pm. He had been there since 7PM, and was trashed to the scary point. He was playing "grabass" like it was going out of style, and kind-of taking it too far. I left that night with an even worse impression of him than I had before.

On Sunday, he comes to the store, coked-out as usual, and announces that he is moving the band to Dallas, and he wants the CSN girls to come with him to help out. Of course, in order to get the jobs, we would all have to sleep with him on a regular basis. Beyond Melanie and I, the rest of the girls are ecstatic...I don't think they've thought about the fact that they'd all be sharing DILF (sloppy seconds factor....not so good).

That's the problem with Calgary girls...Probably 75% of the Calgary girls I know have done something, ummm, immoral in order to get a job. It's pretty uncool.

Anyway, it's interesting to watch the girls buzzing around the store, all excited about moving to Dallas. I'm glad I'm smart enough to stay right where I am.

The Stockboy

There's this new stockboy in the back of the store. He's maybe 18, although sometimes I wonder if I should ID him when he comes in the store. Those who know me well know that I like pretty much everyone. There's something about this kid that makes me want to sit him in a chair and yell at him for hours. I feel like I should be lecturing him on how to be awesome, because right now he is not fun to be around at all.

Maybe I just miss our old stockboys...Kamal was a 38-year-old east indian guy who couldn't have been any more awesome if he tried. He was one of those people that you just want to start high-fiving and never stop. After Kamal left, Noah stepped up. Noah would sit in the back with me, give me Lucky Extras, and quote Napoleon Dynamite with me while we did inventory....Miss that kid a ton.

Anyway, so back to the new stock boy. He can't walk past you without saying something....Now, I know I talk a lot, but there's something to be said for silence once in a while. Everytime he walks past, he's saying "Working hard, or hardly working? Hahaha.", or "Are you drunk right now?", or "I'm so hungover, I was out partying with my homies last night.", or "What are you doing?".
It's gotten to the point where I don't even answer him anymore, I just kind-of shrug and avoid eye contact, no matter what he says.
Ever since I quit going to Subway, I haven't been eating much at work, but if anyone ever has food, he'll hang around them and passively try to mooch food from them. Nikki was eating some soup, and he walks in and says: "Wow, that soup looks good. My sister used to buy me soup like that. All I had to eat today was a moldy bun." Then, he stared at her soup for an odd amount of time. He tried the same thing with Selina today.....The strange part is that it seems like he's always eating. Yesterday, I saw him eat an entire bag of mini-carrots, a bag of microwave popcorn, a massive snickers bar, and some sort of pasta that his sister's boyfriend brought him.

Today, he showed up for work two hours late at 4PM, claiming that he blacked out last night, and woke up at 3Pm all confused.
The following is an exact conversation between him and Selina in the breakroom. We'll call him "N".

N: "What Are you doing?"
Selina: "Reading the newspaper."
N: "Oh. See anything good?"
Selina: "I don't know."
N: "What are you reading?"
Selina: "Ummm...."

I wouldn't be writing this if the young man was mentally challenged, but he is a healthy young lad with an actual high school diploma. I know, I don't get it either.

Some other random happenings:

-Today this woman walks into the store and hears the song "Drops of Jupiter" by Train. My new favorite website, You Have Bad Taste in Music, has already pretty much summed up my feelings for Train. Anyway, this woman stops dead in her tracks, says "I love this song", and proceeds to make up a rhythmic dance routine in the middle of the store. She was full-on rocking out. When it was over, she walked up to the counter like nothing had happened, and bought a huge bottle of whiskey.

-Yesterday, Andre found this huge box in the upstairs storage room. It was full of these jugs that look like chickens. When you pour out the liquid, it looks like the chicken is puking. I asked the owner if I could have one, and he said yes! I'll take some photos, because it is the greatest jug of all time. It will be my new sauce jug this summer at Ditto's...

-Today I saw this guy that had the greatest news anchor hair of all time. You know when Dave Chapelle dresses up like the news anchor on Chapelle's Show? He looked just like that, but he was being serious. I wanted to shake his hand for hours.

Okay, going to try to get some sleep, although it's not likely....

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